Category Archives: Parenting

Five Things To Do If Your Child Looks at Porn

By Angela Tooley

Help!

You have just discovered pornographic images or sexual content on your child’s computer or mobile device. At the same time, you may feel anger, dismay and fear for your child. Pause and consider how to respond. Here are five practical steps to take right now:

1. Pray

As simple as it sounds, pray and ask God for wisdom and patience. Surrender your child to God for healing, then trust in the Lord’s timing for that healing.

2. Stay calm

Before you begin a conversation with your child determine that you will stay calm, no matter what. Be prepared for a variety of reactions from denial to shame to relief. While your child may be upset that you’ve discovered their secret, it will not help at all if you are upset.

3. Share the struggle

Unfortunately, almost all of us have seen (even unintentionally) inappropriate images. Whether it was intentional or the result of an internet pop up, sexual content in advertising, tv programs or movies – porn has quickly become an ever-present evil. Mom and Dad, you do not have disclose your struggle in detail but let your child know that they do not struggle with this issue alone.

4. Validate worth

Your child is probably struggling with shame and perhaps a low self-image. Remind your child how precious he/she is to you and that whatever they have done or seen, their worth comes from being made in the image of God. Affirm all their good qualities.

5. Be connected

What may seem like a crisis is an opportunity to connect and bond. Use this time wisely to plan time together that is unrushed and distraction free. Your child will appreciate your presence and support.

This is just the beginning of a parenting journey for you and healing for your child. Next week we’ll share five more steps to help guide you through. Stay tuned for Noble Notes next week!

Have questions? Just call (214-415-4555) or email us (office@noblechoices.org). We’re here to help.

The Importance of Partying

By Eric Tooley

Do you party enough?

I remember playing football in the 4th grade. Believe it or not, I was the quarterback. In the fourth quarter of a game, I scored two touchdowns and brought our team from behind to win the game. My parents were not at the game. There was no celebration.

I remember bringing home straight A’s on my report card. Not only was there no party, I actually got in trouble because I only got an A in math instead of my usual A+.

I remember a freshman high school football game when I intercepted a screen pass and scored the winning touchdown. My parents weren’t at that game either. That night I went to my girlfriend’s house and ended up having sex for the first time.

If we don’t party right, we’ll likely party wrong.

Acting out sexually became my reward for an achievement or making it through a stressful or difficult time. This is an issue that I address with my clients who struggle with pornography: the importance of celebration or reward. Otherwise the following justifications hit hard:

  • “I’ve done so well, I earned this.”
  • “Nobody else will congratulate me, I deserve this!”
  • “I can relax now.”

God places an importance on partying.

Luke 15:5-6: “When he finds it, he joyfully … calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’”

Luke 15: 9: “When she finds it, she calls her friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost coin.’”

Luke 15:23-24: “Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”

Do you place an importance on partying?

Good grades, raises, touchdowns, promotions, concerts, new jobs, plays, and many other occasions are causes for celebration. Be sure to do it. If we don’t, we may be driven to “celebrate” in pornography, sexually acting out, or other unhealthy behaviors.

Partying is a Noble Choice. Call your friends and neighbors together and say, ‘Rejoice with me!

“Through technical devices … people were deprived of independent thought.”

By Angela Tooley

Eric and I recently visited the U. S. Holocaust Memorial Museum. I was struck by the overwhelming thought, how could this happen? How could the people of Nazi Germany have been so deceived and so unaware of what was happening to their culture and their Jewish countrymen.

Part of the answer is a testimony at the Nuremberg trials of Nazi war criminals:

“Through technical devices like the radio and loudspeaker, 80 million people were deprived of independent thought. It was thereby possible to subject them to the will of one man [Hitler].”

I’m a lifelong history enthusiast, so I was surprised when the museum displayed something that I had never heard of – The Volksempfänger.

“The People’s Receiver,” was designed by Nazi Propaganda Minister, Josef Goebbels. It was available at little to no cost to every German home. It’s low frequency ensured that only German and Austrian radio frequencies were received. All programming was controlled by the Nazi government.

The People’s Receiver delivered the Nazi lies and hate to every German home.

Today, are we any less susceptible to changes in our culture due to our dependence on technical devices?

Rather than one radio in our homes, we are bombarded everywhere with messages of sexual immorality, self-promotion, divisive political rhetoric and racial biases.  This happens through advertising, movies, mass media, the internet and social media.

These messages are delivered to us at anytime and anywhere through our indispensable phones and mobile devices.  Today we hold in our hands the delivery device of lies and self-deception.

We must teach our young people to have independent thought.

Noble Choices programs address these very issues. Not of the World equips students to see the effects of social media. Culture Illusions trains students how to notice cultural “truths” and question their accuracy. Both teach God’s plan about sex as a comparison. These helpful programs equip adults and youth to recognize the unhealthy influences of culture and media.

We would love to present these to your school, church, or civic group.

Let’s make sure we keep independent thought.

“The Truth will set your free.” –John 8:32

Wiesner-Hanks, M. E., Evans, A. D., Wheeler, W. B., & Ruff, J. (2014). Discovering the Western Past, Vol. II: Since 1500. Cengage Learning.

I Can Only Imagine

By Eric Tooley

 My wife and I previewed the movie, I Can Only Imagine. I have seen MercyMe perform my favorite song live a few times and it always moves me to tears.

The movie is amazing. Go see it.

This is the true story of Bart Millard, lead singer of MercyMe. It is also my story.

The movie is about how Bart went into music despite his troubled home, how he made peace with his father, and how he wrote the song.

As a teenager, Bart told his dad he wanted to sing. His dad said, “Dreams don’t pay the bills.”

Bart replies, “Dad, I can do this.”

His dad answers, “No, you can’t! And you’re going to blink your eyes and you’re going to realize that life has got you nowhere because you chased some stupid dream.”

I know how Bart felt. As a teenager, I told my dad, “I don’t want to be a doctor or play football or go to Oklahoma University. I want to be a youth minister and go to Abilene Christian University and study Bible.”

My dad responded, “You are taking the easy way out in life and wasting your God-given intelligence and talent. I’ll give you two weeks to come up with a good reason for this or you’ll lose your car.”

I responded, “I will tell you then what I am telling you now. I believe God wants me to do this. Punish me all you want but I have to do what my God wants.”

Dad didn’t punish me and I held true to my word except I took a scholarship to Oklahoma Christian. A year and a half later, I baptized my parents.

Eight years later my dad visited me when I was a youth minister in New Orleans. He saw the great things God was doing in my ministry. I’ll never forget the moment we stood looking at the Mississippi River near the Café Du Monde. He put his arm around me and said, “I am really proud of you.”

Tell your kids you are proud of them. Don’t let your pride be something they only imagine.

Teen Sex Rates

By Eric Tooley

A moment at my sixth-grade lunch table had a profound effect on my teen sexual activity.

The guys were talking about kissing girls when I said, “I’ve never kissed a girl.” A classmate looked at me in the eyes and said, “When we get to junior high next year, you’ll never survive.”

I realized I was way behind and not normal.

Soon thereafter I started a quest for my first kiss, then my first sexual activity, and then my first sexual intercourse. My parents were silent. My church only taught me what was wrong.

I just wanted to be normal.

It was too late when I realized that I didn’t have an accurate view of what was normal. It is worse for our online teens today.

As much as we can, we must give teens accurate information about what is normal activity among teenagers. This isn’t necessarily what we believe is right or best. If normal activity isn’t right or best, we must prepare teens to be different.

However, you’ll be surprised at how often that what is right is also normal. A recent CDC study of US high school teens found that

only 41% of high school teens have ever had sex.

Twenty years ago the rate for all high school teens was 53%. This explains why many adults have a bias toward the “everyone is doing it” belief. The majority were “doing it” back in their teen years. Not anymore.

A break down of today’s teen sex rates by each grade shows that only in the 12th grade does the percentage get above 50% and then just barely:

  • 9th grade – 24.1%
  • 10th grade – 35.7%
  • 11th grade – 49.6%
  • 12th grade – 58.1%.

Teach teens what is right. Teach teens what is best. Don’t forget to also teach what is normal.

Ethier, K. A., Kann, L., & McManus, T. (2018, January 5). Sexual Intercourse Among High School Students — 29 States and United States Overall, 2005–2015. Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report (MMWR), 1393-1397.

Are You An Accessory to Abuse?

By Angela Tooley

156.

156 women testified. 156 deeply moving statements each made by a victim of Larry Nassar’s abuse during a week-long sentencing hearing.

The victims have become survivors, and each seeks to heal. Each one was not only abused, but each was betrayed by institutions thought to be places of trust and safety. Each will have to find courage to trust again.

USA Gymnastics will never be the same and for that matter all sports should go through an intense self-examination. Likewise, Michigan State will face painful consequences for protecting their self-interest ahead of their students.

Accusations were ignored because addressing them meant a loss of status to a program. Accusations were dismissed or denied because the predator gave convincing justifications to reassure questioning authorities. Despite what was seen and heard from accusers, no one in authority took action.

Predators exist among us in unassuming ways.  As a predator grooms victims, they also groom their enablers. Predators are manipulators and even a passed background check allows a false sense of security.

Survivor Annie Labrie said in her impact statement, “a pedophile cannot flourish in the way Larry did in an environment that is not conducive to his behavior. He was prolific because surrounding authorities allowed him to be.”

No matter what our role is in a youth’s life – as a teacher, coach, minister, parent or just as a responsible adult we are expected to be vigilant in protecting them.  Our responsibility is to act when danger is present or even suspected.

We protect when we:

  1. Watch
  2. Listen
  3. Act

Remember the adage – Where there’s smoke there’s fire?

If we saw smoke in our house we would never ignore it, thinking that fire wasn’t present. We would look for the source of the smoke.

As smoke fills the house, we would never ignore it thinking that it wasn’t there.

Nor would we sit still and not seek safety or call for help from the fire department.

We would not rationalize, deny or justify our inaction.

No, we would act.

That is trust worthy – and noble.

Levenson, E. (2018, February 5). Larry Nassar apologizes, gets 40 to 125 years for decades of sexual abuse. Retrieved from CNN: https://www.cnn.com/2018/02/05/us/larry-nassar-sentence-eaton/index.html

Six Things To NEVER Do If Your Child Looks At Porn

If you discover your child is looking at pornography:

  1. DO NOT PANIC

This moment is not about you. Put your feelings (i.e. fear, anger, disappointment, etc.) aside and focus on your child. Show your child that you love, support, understand, and want to help. Unfortunately, porn is common among teens. One study found that 93% of boys and 62% of girls were exposed to pornography before age 18. (1)

  1. DO NOT IGNORE

As an adult, I learned that my parent’s knew I was looking at their pornography. They never mentioned it to me because “boys will be boys.” Oh how I wish they had helped me. I suffered under this addiction for thirty-five years!

  1. DO NOT ASK FOR (OR EXPECT) A CONFESSION

Only 22% of adults confessed when confronted by their spouse even with evidence. (2) Do you think your child or teenager is more likely to confess than these adults?

Instead of asking “Did you …?”, say “I discovered …” in a matter of fact tone. Remember we set aside feelings of fear, anger, and disappointment?

  1. DO NOT INTERROGATE

Avoid asking “why”. Use concrete questions: When did this start? How often have you looked at porn in the last month? How do you access the pornography? What can I do to help you stop?

Then Listen. Validate their feelings even if positive. “I could see how that would be exciting for you.” Validation just means you understand not necessarily agree.

  1. DO NOT MAINTAIN THE STATUS QUO

Your child’s promise to never do it again is not enough. Believe their sincerity but don’t believe in their self-control. Do whatever you can to block your child’s access to porn. You don’t let the alcoholic keep going to the bar.

  1. DO NOT GO IT ALONE

Remember that fear, anger and disappointment you set aside? You need someone to express your feelings. Your child likely needs the same support. Call us (972-342-0753 or 214-415-4555) or email us here at Noble Choices. This is our specialty. We want to help.

(1) Chlara, S., Wolak, J., & Finkelhor, D. (2008). The nature and dynamics of Internet pornography exposure for youth. CyberPsychology and Behavior, 691-693.

(2) Steffens, B., & Means, M. (2010). Your Sexually Addicted Spouse. Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press.

Be FOMM not FOMO

By Angela Tooley

I hate to admit it, but I have FOMO. Do you have FOMO?  Maybe you’re not familiar with this but it is

Fear

Of

Missing

Out

(and yes it is a word)!

FOMO begins innocently enough, usually with our smart phone but it can be any digital device. The device lets us instantly:

  • check sports scores
  • check Facebook status and likes
  • look at all other social media
  • listen for incoming texts and emails

Our smart phones and mobile devices have become the indispensable organizers of our lives – through communication and calendars; and through every kind of conceivable news, entertainment, calorie counting, exercise, and fantasy football app that is out there. We get addicted – never wanting to be without our mobile device.

Ultimately interacting with our device takes precedence over a conversation with the person right beside us in the car or right in front of us at the dinner table.

What we are really missing out on is each other!

FOMO is now so widespread that it necessitates a public service campaign to get us all to put away our phones at the dinner table.  While I think it is a sad reality, I am encouraged by the opportunities for family growth that can happen by coming to the dinner table – device free.

At any age conversation matters. Sharing the day whether it was how the presentation went, or what was the most fun at preschool.  Laughing at silly pasta shapes and hearing the laments of pop quizzes is meaningful. One day there will be a hard conversation and you’ll be there to listen.

This isn’t just for family dinner, this is for friends, coworkers and everyone we face. Please don’t miss any of the experience, put the phone away.

I am making a conscious effort to be aware of how and when I am using my smart devices. I’m working on a new word for the dictionary, FOMM

Facing

Others

Matters

Most

(not quite as catchy as FOMO but I’ll keep working on it).

I hope you will all do the same and set a great example for your kids too.

Eight Factors Common in Childhoods of Sex Addicts

I am a huge baseball fan and the postseason is great. Last year in the 10th inning of the decisive game of the World Series, Chicago Cub Ben Zobrist drove in the winning run.

Was this just about an opportunity? Or was this path set much earlier: the Houston Astros who first drafted him? His high school coach who convinced him to try out? His whiffle ball games with his friends at age 8?

It was the opportunity AND the path.

What about a person struggling with pornography? Is it just about an opportunity? Or is it about a path that had been set many years before? Again, the answer is both.

Patrick Carnes lists eight factors common in families of sex addicts.

  1. Addiction.

This can be alcohol, gambling, nicotine, eating, drugs, sex, or pornography. Often it is a combination.

  1. Secrets.

This “elephant in the living room” is having a huge impact on life but everyone pretends it is not there.

  1. Rigid and authoritarian.

There is only one way to do things. There is no give and take.

  1. Sex-negativity.

Sex is always negative, dirty, bad, sinful, or nasty.

  1. Sexual duplicity.

Parents do not live up to their standards about sex. There are affairs, pornography, sexting, etc.

  1. Little intimacy.

Family members are disengaged. There is little sharing of feelings or vulnerability.

  1. Neglect.

This could be capital N neglect: sexual, physical, emotional abuse or a lack of food, shelter, clothes, or safety. It could be little n neglect: lack of attention, empathy, or love.

  1. Compartmentalization.

People act one way in one situation and something totally different in another. There is an overreaction or under-response to life’s problems.

Are any of these factors present in your home? King Solomon wrote in Proverbs 22:6, “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.” Apparently, that is true negatively and positively.

Carnes, P. (2015). Facing the Shadow: Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery (Third ed.). Carefree, AZ: Gentle Path Press.

Topkin, M. (2009, July 13). Tampa Bay Rays’ Ben Zobrist has taken a surprising path to today’s All-Star Game. Retrieved from Tampa Bay Times: http://www.tampabay.com/sports/baseball/rays/tampa-bay-rays-ben-zobrist-has-taken-a-surprising-path-to-todays-all-star/1018198

Not Recycling versus Pornography

By Angela Tooley

I often have conversations with individuals who are not aware of the dangerous nature of pornography. Of course, as a part of my work I share this fact as much as possible.

Do you know pornography’s growing prevalence in our culture and its dangers?

The Barna Group released a landmark study last year showing a shift in morality as values are eroding. Teens (ages 13-17) and young adults (ages 18-24) were asked to rank the following actions as to whether they were morally wrong.

  1. Stealing 88%
  2. Adultery 75%
  3. Lying 71%
  4. Not recycling 56%
  5. Thinking negatively of someone with a different point of view 55%
  6. Overeating 48%
  7. Wasteful consumption of water or electricity 38%
  8. Jealousy 32%
  9. Viewing pornographic images 32%

Be sure to take a good look at that again. Did you notice that not recycling is considered a greater danger to our society than having future generations who are unable to have lasting, meaningful relationships because they thought pornography wasn’t wrong?

The study also confirms that pornography is not just a problem for men. 67% of male teens and young adults and 33% of females are seeking out porn on a frequent basis.

That is 1 in 3 females!

Pornography isn’t much better when we get over the age the age of 25: 47% of men and 12% of females frequently seek out pornography.

Even among Christian women ages 18-24, 56% viewed pornography at least once a month. For Christian women over the age of 25, it is still 27%.

If that wasn’t enough, 49% of all women surveyed think of pornography as acceptable.

Sobering. Clearly there is much that needs to be done in educating ourselves and those around us about the harm of pornography.

Barna Group. (2016).The Porn Phenomenon: The Impact of Pornography in the Digital Age. Ventura, CA: Barna Group.

Parent Corner

Welcome to a new feature of Noble Notes, Parent Corner. In this spot of the newsletter, we will give parents ideas about how to use the information in the feature article. We are excited to offer this new feature periodically.

  1. Give your teens the list of nine actions above. Ask them to rank them in order of the worst to the least worst. Then discuss their list and their reasoning. Be careful not to judge their answers as right or wrong.
  2. Ask your teens how they thing their classmates as a whole would rank the list. Discuss what makes them think they would rank them this way.
  3. Share the way you would list them and why but again being careful not to claim the “right” answer. Offer it simply as another point of view.
  4. Quote the statistics about females viewing pornography. Ask if that is their experience with the females at their school.
  5. Ask your teen what they would do if they were offered pornography to view. This could be via text, YouTube, website, etc. Offer ideas and what you would like them to do.