Category Archives: Stories

Four-Step Crisis Plan

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By Angela Tooley

High Side! This is an emergency command from a white-water rafting guide. It means for everyone in the raft to move to the high side of the raft to keep from capsizing.

Years ago, I went on my first (and only) white water rafting trip. Before the adventure began the river guides gave our group a lively talk about the safety rules we needed to know. While the talk was kept lighthearted, I could tell that I needed to pay attention and remember what I was being told. We were instructed about a number of scenarios including which way to swim if we got thrown out of the raft, or the worst-case scenario of what to do if we found ourselves stuck underneath the raft.

The adventure began, and we were having an exciting time progressing through the rapids. Suddenly our guide yelled “High Side!”. The problem was that I was on the opposite side of the boat and had to navigate over a cooler. Sure enough, I did not make it and quickly found myself in the water.

Under the raft.

I panicked for a few seconds as I watched my air bubbles going out. Then I remembered exactly what I had been instructed to do – walk my hands on the bottom of the boat until I got to the edge. By that time my boat mates were looking for me and were able to pull me up. Talk about an adrenaline rush!

That rafting trip taught me a lot about staying calm in a crisis and it has served me well since.

Life can bring crisis suddenly – the loss of loved ones, loss of jobs, illness, and hurts in relationships – like when I found out about pornography in my marriage.

Be ready to act in a crisis.

Here’s my plan:

  1. Follow instructions – Listen to God through Bible reading and prayer.
  2. Stay calm – By remembering the hope of God’s truth.
  3. Trusting others – I cannot rescue myself. Find godly guidance and mentoring.
  4. Look ahead for threats – Move away from danger.

That’s living on the high side!

The Text Message That Destroyed Lives

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By Eric Tooley

Margarite is in middle school. Her parents are divorced and she lives with her father. After a fight with a school friend, she is shunned at school. She’s also alone at home where she stays in her room with just her cellphone and computer.

She meets an eighth-grade boy, Isaiah. They like each other. He sends her a picture of himself with no shirt.

Desperate for a boyfriend, Margarite replies with a picture of herself completely naked. They eventually break up.

A few weeks later, Isaiah mentions Margarite’s photo to a friend. She pressures him into sending it to her.

Isaiah doesn’t know she is the “friend” fighting with Margarite. That night, she texts the picture to all of her contacts and asks them to do the same. By the next morning the photo has gone viral.

Students are questioned by the police. Cellphones are confiscated. Isaiah and Margarite’s former friend are arrested and led out of the school in cuffs.  They spend the night in the juvenile detention center and are charged with dissemination of child pornography.

Local papers, television, and social media spread the story. Margarite moves in with her mother and transfers to a new school to start over. Within weeks, a boy at the new school has the picture. The girls at the new school begin to taunt her.

A year later, those involved comment on the events:

  • A student at Margarite’s school: “When I opened my phone, I knew who the girl in the picture was. It’s hard to ‘unsee’ something.”
  • Isaiah: “I didn’t know it was against the law. It hurts the people in the pictures. It can hurt your family and friends: the way they see you, the way you see yourself.”
  • Margarite: “Don’t do it at all. I mean, what are you thinking? It’s freaking stupid!”
  • Margarite’s dad:

“I learned a big lesson about my lack of involvement

in her use of the phone. I trusted her too much.

Margarite will have to live with this for the rest of her life.”

Read this story with your teens. Talk about the incredible consequences of sexting. Focus on each character: Margarite, Isaiah, Margarite’s friend, and even Margarite’s dad. Why did they do what they did? What were the consequences? What could they have done differently? Then do everything you can to protect your teens: use parental controls, monitor technology, and keep talking to them.

(“A Girl’s Nude Photo, and Altered Lives.” Hoffman. The New York Times, March 28, 2011.)

Porn is Anti-Relationships

Pornography, Stories, , , ,

By Eric Tooley

I am not a rock music fan. Don’t get me wrong. I like rock music. I love TobyMac and For King and Country. Secular rock’s many vulgar performances and nasty lyrics have ruined it for me.

John Mayer, evidently, is a rock star.

He is not a preacher, counselor, researcher, or a professor. Better than any of those experts, he explains what pornography can do to you.

“Internet pornography has absolutely changed my generation’s expectations. …How does that not affect the psychology of having a relationship with somebody? It’s got to. When I meet somebody, I’m in a situation in which I can’t run it because another person is involved.

If I date somebody and it doesn’t work out, it’s another nightmare for me. …If I date nine more girls before I get married …that would be nine more spats of character assassination.

I don’t equate sex with release, I equate it with tension. I grew up in my own head. As soon as I lose that control, once I have to deal with someone else’s desires, I cut and run.

I mean, I have unbelievable [sex] alone. They’re always the best. They always end the way I want them to end.

This is my problem now: Rather than meet somebody new, I would rather go home and replay the … experiences I’ve already had. …I’m more comfortable in my imagination than I am in actual human discovery.“

Can you feel the fear? the loneliness?

Pornography, while being all about sex, actually robs people from being able to enjoy sex.

(Specific citation withheld due to the explicit nature of the article.)

Best. Kiss. Ever.

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Bride and groom kissing.One of my favorite movies is The Princess Bride. It ends with this quote,

“Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind.”

That was the movies. Let me tell you about one that was real.

Kelly and Doug got married and had two sons. They were pretty new Christians but very dedicated. Kelly quit her job so she could homeschool her sons.

The boys were taught to trust their faith in God and allow it to guide them. When the oldest son turned 14, he promised himself that he would not kiss a girl until his wedding day. In college, he was seen at a bar, eating a burger called the “Resist Temptation,” and drinking water with lemon.

He got engaged at age 21 BEFORE he formally had his first date. Five months later he had his first kiss on his wedding day.

You may call him extreme or even unbelievable but you better think twice before you call him a wimp or a loser. Collin Klein is six-foot-five and weighs 226. He was the starting quarterback for the Kansas State Wildcats in 2012 who were ranked as high as number two. Klein was a finalist for the Heisman Trophy which is given to college football’s outstanding player who best exhibits the pursuit of excellence with integrity.

Why would someone not even kiss until marriage? Fear? Arrogance?

Sports Illustrated explained that Klein believes “there is a kind of comfort in obedience, in the certainty that to do right you need only do what you’re told-by your father, your coach or God, or perhaps all three. This is how Collin Klein lives, in constant prayer, searching for the will of God.”

Klein’s wife says “they were ‘two broken, humble people,’ completely undeserving of love, grateful recipients of a miracle.”

When her husband simply gives her a kiss, she knows he loves her so much he that he saved all of his kisses for her. For Collin Klein, his wife is the

Best. Kiss. Ever.

(Dodd, D. (2012, October 18). Klein a legit Heisman contender, carrying K-State on broad, bruised shoulders. Retrieved from CBS Sports: http://www.cbssports.com/collegefootball/story/20594928/klein-a-legit-heisman-contender-carrying-kstate-on-broad-bruised-shoulders)
(Heisman Trophy. (n.d.). Heisman trust mission statement. Retrieved from http://www.heisman.com/trust/mission_statement.php)
(Lake, T. (2012, November 19). Collin Klein first kissed his wife at the altar. Collin Klein is also one bad dude. Sports Illustrated, pp. 38-44. Retrieved from http://www.sportsillustratedeverywhere.com/issues/protected/com.timeinc.si.web.inapp.11192012/collin-klein-first-kissed-his-wife-at-the-altar-collin-klein-is-also-one-bad-dude-19434.html)
(Watson, G. (2012, November 1). Collin Klein’s faith led him to his wife and his first kiss, so why not a Heisman and a national championship. Retrieved from Dr. Saturday or how I learned to stop worrying and love the BCS: http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/ncaaf-dr-saturday/collin-klein-faith-led-him-wife-first-kiss-215824243–ncaaf.html)

My Recovery Celebration

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CR Summit(The Celebrate Recovery group that I attend held a special ceremony for my step study group at the completion of our nine-month study of the twelve steps. The following is the mini-testimony I shared.)

Two years ago, I wanted to do a step study for 3 reasons:

  • start a Celebrate Recovery at my church
  • enhance my non-profit ministry
  • gain experience in counseling

I would use my previous struggles of pornography and over-eating for my “issues.”

The ministry leader said, “Perfect timing because we have some step studies starting soon.” Well “starting soon” evidently meant seven months. Then a conflict with one of my graduate degree classes pushed it out a full 14 months!

However, now I was starting for three new reasons:

  • My porn issue had returned
  • My over-eating had returned
  • I was depressed

I see now that those delays were about God preparing my heart.

As we began our work on step four which is our personal inventories, my church sent my wife and I to California to attend the Celebrate Recovery Summit to prepare to start a Celebrate Recovery at our church.

At the final worship service, it all hit home. In tears I wrote the following words on a 3X5 card:

“I hurt from a father who made fun of me and expected perfection. He belittled me and my calling to be a minister. I have lived my life trying to prove him wrong. I have cared more about what others think of me instead of what God thinks of me. I have tried to stay in control of all aspects of my life to minimize my risk of being belittled. I have craved earthly titles to justify my worthiness instead of wearing the name of Jesus Christ.”

I took a nail and hammered this card to a cross.

My wife said, “You just completed step five. I am so proud of you.” I was shocked. This wasn’t about pornography, over eating, or depression. Apparently God was more interested in the deeper issues of my heart.

God used my step study brothers to drive me even deeper. Their sharing reflected an honesty and vulnerability I had never experienced with other men. I love you guys.

Let me close with my favorite scripture from the Step Study:

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!”  –  Isaiah 43:18-19