Movie Review: Beautifully Broken

By Eric Tooley

Angela and I were invited to preview the movie Beautifully Broken which opens in theaters this weekend. It describes itself as

“A refugee’s escape, a prisoner’s promise, and a daughter’s painful secret converge in this inspiring true story of hope. As three fathers fight to save their families, their lives become intertwined in an unlikely journey across the globe, where they learn the healing power of forgiveness and reconciliation.”

The movie includes appearances by TobyMac and Michael W. Smith and the music of CeCe Winans, John Berry, and Plumb. You’ll recognize Benjamin Onyango in a lead role from the God’s Not Dead movies.

This movie is an amazing true story that shows how

“God  works for good with those who love him” (Romans 8:28)

even in the midst of genocide, rape, and being a refugee.

This movie is rated PG-13 for mature thematic content involving violence and disturbing images, and some drug material. This is not your typical feel-good Christian movie. It is a tough movie that shows the darkness in our world and is not for children under 13 or for teens sensitive to these hard topics.

For those who can handle it, the movie shows how God is involved in even the worse of human activities. Themes of forgiveness and reconciliation ring true. We recommend the movie Beautifully Broken for teens and adults and hope you will talk about it many times afterward.

Five Things To Do If Your Child Looks at Porn

By Angela Tooley

Help!

You have just discovered pornographic images or sexual content on your child’s computer or mobile device. At the same time, you may feel anger, dismay and fear for your child. Pause and consider how to respond. Here are five practical steps to take right now:

1. Pray

As simple as it sounds, pray and ask God for wisdom and patience. Surrender your child to God for healing, then trust in the Lord’s timing for that healing.

2. Stay calm

Before you begin a conversation with your child determine that you will stay calm, no matter what. Be prepared for a variety of reactions from denial to shame to relief. While your child may be upset that you’ve discovered their secret, it will not help at all if you are upset.

3. Share the struggle

Unfortunately, almost all of us have seen (even unintentionally) inappropriate images. Whether it was intentional or the result of an internet pop up, sexual content in advertising, tv programs or movies – porn has quickly become an ever-present evil. Mom and Dad, you do not have disclose your struggle in detail but let your child know that they do not struggle with this issue alone.

4. Validate worth

Your child is probably struggling with shame and perhaps a low self-image. Remind your child how precious he/she is to you and that whatever they have done or seen, their worth comes from being made in the image of God. Affirm all their good qualities.

5. Be connected

What may seem like a crisis is an opportunity to connect and bond. Use this time wisely to plan time together that is unrushed and distraction free. Your child will appreciate your presence and support.

This is just the beginning of a parenting journey for you and healing for your child. Next week we’ll share five more steps to help guide you through. Stay tuned for Noble Notes next week!

Have questions? Just call (214-415-4555) or email us (office@noblechoices.org). We’re here to help.

New Data on Teen Sex Rates

By Eric Tooley

Last week the Centers for Disease Control released new data on teen sex rates. This representative sample study of over fourteen thousand U.S high school teens is conducted every two years.

The 2017 results showed the following:

  • 60.5% have never had sexual intercourse.
  • 71.3% were not currently sexually active during the 3 months before the survey.
  • 46.2% did not use a condom during last sexual intercourse.
  • 13.8% did not use any method to prevent pregnancy during last sexual intercourse.

In 1996 I began to speak in public schools about saving sex for marriage. At that time:

  • 46.9% have never had sexual intercourse.
  • 62.1% were not currently sexually active during the 3 months before the survey.
  • 52.8% did not use a condom during last sexual intercourse.
  • 15.8% did not use any method to prevent pregnancy during last sexual intercourse.

This is an incredible improvement. The fact that the sexual rate is 26% lower now is especially notable.

We still have work to do. The same study revealed that among 2017 U.S. high school students:

  • 11.3% of females were physically forced to have sexual intercourse.
  • 15.2% of females were forced to do sexual things during the 12 months before the survey [counting such things as kissing, touching, or being physically forced to have sexual intercourse].

These numbers have not improved in the last ten years.

I remember high school principals laughing at me when I talked about speaking to their students about saving sex for marriage. They felt like the students would not listen and certainly would not change their behavior. My answer?

Students can make good choices when they are given good information.

Even now I still have this belief. That’s why we chose to name our non-profit organization, Noble Choices.

What about you? Have you given up on teens today?

They listen to people they know care about them.

Care enough to give them good information.

Care enough to believe they can make Noble Choices.

Care enough to try.

 

Kann, L., McManus, T., Harris, W., & et al. (2018). Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance — United States, 2017. MMWR Surveill Summ, 1-114.

The One Thing Anyone Can Do To Prevent Suicide

By Angela Tooley

During the last week we’ve been surrounded with stories of despair and hopelessness. When life becomes so overwhelming that one gives up and would no longer wish to live is such depressing news.

You wonder what could have made the difference for that person. You wonder how do I come alongside someone to offer support and comfort?

Romans 12:15 instructs us to “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”

Three weeks ago Noble Notes was about how to rejoice and “The Importance of Partying.” But we must also know how to mourn. None of us are strangers to the weight of our sins and shame, our illnesses and weaknesses, our brokenness and heartbreaks.

Romans 12:15 means for us to be present for each other and – to listen.

This my prayer for listening:

Lord, may I always

  • Listen to understand, not to reply.
  • Listen with my eyes, seeing others as you see them.
  • Listen with mercy, not judgement.
  • Listen with compassion and empathy.
  • Listen with patience and humility.
  • Listen for how to be reconciled, not for how to be right.
  • Listen with gratitude, that you have provided this moment.

Now may I share hope.

In Jesus name, Amen.

The hymn, “Christ Has Risen While Earth Slumbers,” is a message of hope.

Christ has risen and forever lives to challenge and to change all whose lives are messed or mangled, all who find religion strange.

Christ is present making us what he has been – evidence of transformation in which God is known and seen.

Christ has risen while earth slumbers, Christ has risen where hope died, as he said and as he promised, as we doubted and denied. Christ is risen, God is here!

If you’re struggling today to find hope, I URGE you to reach out. Find someone you trust, a counselor, or a church.

Call the National Suicide Prevention lines,

1-800-SUICIDE or 1-800-273-TALK,

24 hours a day.

You are not alone.

If you’re in a place of strength today, be the listening and loving presence of Christ to those around you. God bless you as you come alongside others, as you listen, and as you share hope.

Pornography on the Evening News

By Eric Tooley

A surveillance camera caught a law enforcement officer having sex while on duty. There are obvious moral and legal issues but that’s not the focus of my commentary.

I learned about this case through a friend’s post on Facebook. I then found it on local and national news websites. The national news described the act in vivid detail and had links to still pictures from the surveillance video. While no nudity is revealed, there is still no question to the activity of the two people in the photograph.

Each local news broadcast showed the pictures. One broadcast had a warning to parents and said they purposefully waited until the late news to show the pictures.

Yet this one minute, fifty-two second television news story showed the pictures six times (four at full screen) for over fifty percent of the segment.

If that wasn’t enough, the reporter printed the pictures and took them to various people in town to get their reaction for the story.

My personal battle against viewing pornography led me years ago to quit watching local or national television news. As I watched these news segments, I realized I was reacting as I would when I would start viewing pornography.

I turned away but who knows

  • How many porn addicts were led to a relapse?
  • How many young boys thus got their first exposure to pornography?
  • How many young girls are learning what sex is through this story?

This is just the latest reason among many that our personal disciplines of “bouncing our eyes” and “capturing our thoughts” must be constant and always active.

Let me encourage you that the more you exercise these disciplines the stronger they become. My “battle” during this news story was an easy victory after years of strengthening these disciplines. However, I can never rest because the battle still came in a way I least expected it.

(Specific citations withheld due to the explicit nature of the articles.)

Four-Step Crisis Plan

By Angela Tooley

High Side! This is an emergency command from a white-water rafting guide. It means for everyone in the raft to move to the high side of the raft to keep from capsizing.

Years ago, I went on my first (and only) white water rafting trip. Before the adventure began the river guides gave our group a lively talk about the safety rules we needed to know. While the talk was kept lighthearted, I could tell that I needed to pay attention and remember what I was being told. We were instructed about a number of scenarios including which way to swim if we got thrown out of the raft, or the worst-case scenario of what to do if we found ourselves stuck underneath the raft.

The adventure began, and we were having an exciting time progressing through the rapids. Suddenly our guide yelled “High Side!”. The problem was that I was on the opposite side of the boat and had to navigate over a cooler. Sure enough, I did not make it and quickly found myself in the water.

Under the raft.

I panicked for a few seconds as I watched my air bubbles going out. Then I remembered exactly what I had been instructed to do – walk my hands on the bottom of the boat until I got to the edge. By that time my boat mates were looking for me and were able to pull me up. Talk about an adrenaline rush!

That rafting trip taught me a lot about staying calm in a crisis and it has served me well since.

Life can bring crisis suddenly – the loss of loved ones, loss of jobs, illness, and hurts in relationships – like when I found out about pornography in my marriage.

Be ready to act in a crisis.

Here’s my plan:

  1. Follow instructions – Listen to God through Bible reading and prayer.
  2. Stay calm – By remembering the hope of God’s truth.
  3. Trusting others – I cannot rescue myself. Find godly guidance and mentoring.
  4. Look ahead for threats – Move away from danger.

That’s living on the high side!

The Importance of Partying

By Eric Tooley

Do you party enough?

I remember playing football in the 4th grade. Believe it or not, I was the quarterback. In the fourth quarter of a game, I scored two touchdowns and brought our team from behind to win the game. My parents were not at the game. There was no celebration.

I remember bringing home straight A’s on my report card. Not only was there no party, I actually got in trouble because I only got an A in math instead of my usual A+.

I remember a freshman high school football game when I intercepted a screen pass and scored the winning touchdown. My parents weren’t at that game either. That night I went to my girlfriend’s house and ended up having sex for the first time.

If we don’t party right, we’ll likely party wrong.

Acting out sexually became my reward for an achievement or making it through a stressful or difficult time. This is an issue that I address with my clients who struggle with pornography: the importance of celebration or reward. Otherwise the following justifications hit hard:

  • “I’ve done so well, I earned this.”
  • “Nobody else will congratulate me, I deserve this!”
  • “I can relax now.”

God places an importance on partying.

Luke 15:5-6: “When he finds it, he joyfully … calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’”

Luke 15: 9: “When she finds it, she calls her friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost coin.’”

Luke 15:23-24: “Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”

Do you place an importance on partying?

Good grades, raises, touchdowns, promotions, concerts, new jobs, plays, and many other occasions are causes for celebration. Be sure to do it. If we don’t, we may be driven to “celebrate” in pornography, sexually acting out, or other unhealthy behaviors.

Partying is a Noble Choice. Call your friends and neighbors together and say, ‘Rejoice with me!

Eight Concerns About Selfies

By Angela Tooley

Have you ever considered what is the underlying cause of the #metoo abuse and assault cases? The horrors of sex trafficking come from that same place. Even pornography is based on this principle. It is called:
ob·jec·ti·fi·ca·tion
“It is the act of treating a person, as an object or a thing. It is part of dehumanization, the act of disavowing the humanity of others. Sexual objectification, the act of treating a person as a mere object of sexual desire, is a subset of objectification, as is self-objectification, the objectification of one’s self.”
It is the dehumanization process that can unwittingly lead a good person to a porn addiction or worse.  We can lose the ability to value the dignity of human beings. It is very frightening that we can even objectify ourselves. We see it everyday in social media and texts. I bet that you have done it. It is the selfie!
Here are the 8 C’s (Concerns) about selfies:
  • Comparison – you are inviting others to compare you to someone else, not to value your God-given uniqueness
  • Craving a false sense of self-will drive you to post pics for likes and comments
  • Controlling your images becomes unmanageable and unsafe
  • Cultivates negative personality traits like pride and insecurity
  • Compromises your self-image and lowers your self-worth
  • Consider that you will look conceited, not confident
  • Chew sup valuable space on your devices
  • Consumes a lot of time to get all those poses of pouty lips (girls) and flexing biceps (guys)
Now please don’t misunderstand – I’m not saying to never take or post a picture of yourself but when the endless posting of your own picture becomes an exercise in staging moments rather than the experience of living out the life God has given you then you have lost yourself, you are only an object.
You are so much more. I propose that you take great pics that celebrate life! Pictures with other people in them. Pictures that show valued relationships. That’s real beauty for all to see!

The Text Message That Destroyed Lives

By Eric Tooley

Margarite is in middle school. Her parents are divorced and she lives with her father. After a fight with a school friend, she is shunned at school. She’s also alone at home where she stays in her room with just her cellphone and computer.

She meets an eighth-grade boy, Isaiah. They like each other. He sends her a picture of himself with no shirt.

Desperate for a boyfriend, Margarite replies with a picture of herself completely naked. They eventually break up.

A few weeks later, Isaiah mentions Margarite’s photo to a friend. She pressures him into sending it to her.

Isaiah doesn’t know she is the “friend” fighting with Margarite. That night, she texts the picture to all of her contacts and asks them to do the same. By the next morning the photo has gone viral.

Students are questioned by the police. Cellphones are confiscated. Isaiah and Margarite’s former friend are arrested and led out of the school in cuffs.  They spend the night in the juvenile detention center and are charged with dissemination of child pornography.

Local papers, television, and social media spread the story. Margarite moves in with her mother and transfers to a new school to start over. Within weeks, a boy at the new school has the picture. The girls at the new school begin to taunt her.

A year later, those involved comment on the events:

  • A student at Margarite’s school: “When I opened my phone, I knew who the girl in the picture was. It’s hard to ‘unsee’ something.”
  • Isaiah: “I didn’t know it was against the law. It hurts the people in the pictures. It can hurt your family and friends: the way they see you, the way you see yourself.”
  • Margarite: “Don’t do it at all. I mean, what are you thinking? It’s freaking stupid!”
  • Margarite’s dad:

“I learned a big lesson about my lack of involvement

in her use of the phone. I trusted her too much.

Margarite will have to live with this for the rest of her life.”

Read this story with your teens. Talk about the incredible consequences of sexting. Focus on each character: Margarite, Isaiah, Margarite’s friend, and even Margarite’s dad. Why did they do what they did? What were the consequences? What could they have done differently? Then do everything you can to protect your teens: use parental controls, monitor technology, and keep talking to them.

(“A Girl’s Nude Photo, and Altered Lives.” Hoffman. The New York Times, March 28, 2011.)

5 Ways To Check Your Blind Spot

By Angela Tooley

Most of us think of ourselves as good drivers, usually all the time. But I feel confident that we all have had a bad experience with blind spots – that seemingly small space in between our line of vision and what we see in the rearview mirror. In Driver’s Ed we were taught to turn and look to check the blind spot. Sometimes we can get a little lazy about checking that spot or we allow distractions to keep us from turning to check.

That gets us in trouble when we veer into occupied space. And it’s particularly upsetting when someone else ventures into the space we occupy! Nothing good happens – we will collide, or we will wildly swerve hoping to avoid the collision and possibly hit something else.  At the very least we all get upset.

Think about your own blind spots (and yes, we all have them). If you don’t think that you have a blind spot well that is called denial. 😊

Denial allows us to be distracted from paying attention to our bad habits and addictions, to those things we need to work to get rid of in our lives. Pride, perfectionism, low self-esteem, shame, and gossip are just a few examples of those habits.

Denial also gives addictions a place to live. Addictions like pornography, alcohol and chemical addiction won’t begin to go way until the denial blind spot gets checked.

Here are five ways that we can take the action needed to look at our own blind spots:

  • Accountability partners – “Walk with the wise and become wise” Proverbs 13:20
  • Encouragement from Godly friends – “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17
  • Be patient – “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart” Psalm 27:14
  • Live in truth – “Teach me your way, O LORD, that I may walk in your truth” Psalm 86:11
  • Trust God – “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5

With God’s help and others, our new ways to look at our blind spots will become a healthy habit!