Tag Archives: Angela Tooley

Five Things To Do If Your Child Looks at Porn

By Angela Tooley

Help!

You have just discovered pornographic images or sexual content on your child’s computer or mobile device. At the same time, you may feel anger, dismay and fear for your child. Pause and consider how to respond. Here are five practical steps to take right now:

1. Pray

As simple as it sounds, pray and ask God for wisdom and patience. Surrender your child to God for healing, then trust in the Lord’s timing for that healing.

2. Stay calm

Before you begin a conversation with your child determine that you will stay calm, no matter what. Be prepared for a variety of reactions from denial to shame to relief. While your child may be upset that you’ve discovered their secret, it will not help at all if you are upset.

3. Share the struggle

Unfortunately, almost all of us have seen (even unintentionally) inappropriate images. Whether it was intentional or the result of an internet pop up, sexual content in advertising, tv programs or movies – porn has quickly become an ever-present evil. Mom and Dad, you do not have disclose your struggle in detail but let your child know that they do not struggle with this issue alone.

4. Validate worth

Your child is probably struggling with shame and perhaps a low self-image. Remind your child how precious he/she is to you and that whatever they have done or seen, their worth comes from being made in the image of God. Affirm all their good qualities.

5. Be connected

What may seem like a crisis is an opportunity to connect and bond. Use this time wisely to plan time together that is unrushed and distraction free. Your child will appreciate your presence and support.

This is just the beginning of a parenting journey for you and healing for your child. Next week we’ll share five more steps to help guide you through. Stay tuned for Noble Notes next week!

Have questions? Just call (214-415-4555) or email us (office@noblechoices.org). We’re here to help.

The One Thing Anyone Can Do To Prevent Suicide

By Angela Tooley

During the last week we’ve been surrounded with stories of despair and hopelessness. When life becomes so overwhelming that one gives up and would no longer wish to live is such depressing news.

You wonder what could have made the difference for that person. You wonder how do I come alongside someone to offer support and comfort?

Romans 12:15 instructs us to “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”

Three weeks ago Noble Notes was about how to rejoice and “The Importance of Partying.” But we must also know how to mourn. None of us are strangers to the weight of our sins and shame, our illnesses and weaknesses, our brokenness and heartbreaks.

Romans 12:15 means for us to be present for each other and – to listen.

This my prayer for listening:

Lord, may I always

  • Listen to understand, not to reply.
  • Listen with my eyes, seeing others as you see them.
  • Listen with mercy, not judgement.
  • Listen with compassion and empathy.
  • Listen with patience and humility.
  • Listen for how to be reconciled, not for how to be right.
  • Listen with gratitude, that you have provided this moment.

Now may I share hope.

In Jesus name, Amen.

The hymn, “Christ Has Risen While Earth Slumbers,” is a message of hope.

Christ has risen and forever lives to challenge and to change all whose lives are messed or mangled, all who find religion strange.

Christ is present making us what he has been – evidence of transformation in which God is known and seen.

Christ has risen while earth slumbers, Christ has risen where hope died, as he said and as he promised, as we doubted and denied. Christ is risen, God is here!

If you’re struggling today to find hope, I URGE you to reach out. Find someone you trust, a counselor, or a church.

Call the National Suicide Prevention lines,

1-800-SUICIDE or 1-800-273-TALK,

24 hours a day.

You are not alone.

If you’re in a place of strength today, be the listening and loving presence of Christ to those around you. God bless you as you come alongside others, as you listen, and as you share hope.

Four-Step Crisis Plan

By Angela Tooley

High Side! This is an emergency command from a white-water rafting guide. It means for everyone in the raft to move to the high side of the raft to keep from capsizing.

Years ago, I went on my first (and only) white water rafting trip. Before the adventure began the river guides gave our group a lively talk about the safety rules we needed to know. While the talk was kept lighthearted, I could tell that I needed to pay attention and remember what I was being told. We were instructed about a number of scenarios including which way to swim if we got thrown out of the raft, or the worst-case scenario of what to do if we found ourselves stuck underneath the raft.

The adventure began, and we were having an exciting time progressing through the rapids. Suddenly our guide yelled “High Side!”. The problem was that I was on the opposite side of the boat and had to navigate over a cooler. Sure enough, I did not make it and quickly found myself in the water.

Under the raft.

I panicked for a few seconds as I watched my air bubbles going out. Then I remembered exactly what I had been instructed to do – walk my hands on the bottom of the boat until I got to the edge. By that time my boat mates were looking for me and were able to pull me up. Talk about an adrenaline rush!

That rafting trip taught me a lot about staying calm in a crisis and it has served me well since.

Life can bring crisis suddenly – the loss of loved ones, loss of jobs, illness, and hurts in relationships – like when I found out about pornography in my marriage.

Be ready to act in a crisis.

Here’s my plan:

  1. Follow instructions – Listen to God through Bible reading and prayer.
  2. Stay calm – By remembering the hope of God’s truth.
  3. Trusting others – I cannot rescue myself. Find godly guidance and mentoring.
  4. Look ahead for threats – Move away from danger.

That’s living on the high side!

Eight Concerns About Selfies

By Angela Tooley

Have you ever considered what is the underlying cause of the #metoo abuse and assault cases? The horrors of sex trafficking come from that same place. Even pornography is based on this principle. It is called:
ob·jec·ti·fi·ca·tion
“It is the act of treating a person, as an object or a thing. It is part of dehumanization, the act of disavowing the humanity of others. Sexual objectification, the act of treating a person as a mere object of sexual desire, is a subset of objectification, as is self-objectification, the objectification of one’s self.”
It is the dehumanization process that can unwittingly lead a good person to a porn addiction or worse.  We can lose the ability to value the dignity of human beings. It is very frightening that we can even objectify ourselves. We see it everyday in social media and texts. I bet that you have done it. It is the selfie!
Here are the 8 C’s (Concerns) about selfies:
  • Comparison – you are inviting others to compare you to someone else, not to value your God-given uniqueness
  • Craving a false sense of self-will drive you to post pics for likes and comments
  • Controlling your images becomes unmanageable and unsafe
  • Cultivates negative personality traits like pride and insecurity
  • Compromises your self-image and lowers your self-worth
  • Consider that you will look conceited, not confident
  • Chew sup valuable space on your devices
  • Consumes a lot of time to get all those poses of pouty lips (girls) and flexing biceps (guys)
Now please don’t misunderstand – I’m not saying to never take or post a picture of yourself but when the endless posting of your own picture becomes an exercise in staging moments rather than the experience of living out the life God has given you then you have lost yourself, you are only an object.
You are so much more. I propose that you take great pics that celebrate life! Pictures with other people in them. Pictures that show valued relationships. That’s real beauty for all to see!

5 Ways To Check Your Blind Spot

By Angela Tooley

Most of us think of ourselves as good drivers, usually all the time. But I feel confident that we all have had a bad experience with blind spots – that seemingly small space in between our line of vision and what we see in the rearview mirror. In Driver’s Ed we were taught to turn and look to check the blind spot. Sometimes we can get a little lazy about checking that spot or we allow distractions to keep us from turning to check.

That gets us in trouble when we veer into occupied space. And it’s particularly upsetting when someone else ventures into the space we occupy! Nothing good happens – we will collide, or we will wildly swerve hoping to avoid the collision and possibly hit something else.  At the very least we all get upset.

Think about your own blind spots (and yes, we all have them). If you don’t think that you have a blind spot well that is called denial. 😊

Denial allows us to be distracted from paying attention to our bad habits and addictions, to those things we need to work to get rid of in our lives. Pride, perfectionism, low self-esteem, shame, and gossip are just a few examples of those habits.

Denial also gives addictions a place to live. Addictions like pornography, alcohol and chemical addiction won’t begin to go way until the denial blind spot gets checked.

Here are five ways that we can take the action needed to look at our own blind spots:

  • Accountability partners – “Walk with the wise and become wise” Proverbs 13:20
  • Encouragement from Godly friends – “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17
  • Be patient – “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart” Psalm 27:14
  • Live in truth – “Teach me your way, O LORD, that I may walk in your truth” Psalm 86:11
  • Trust God – “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5

With God’s help and others, our new ways to look at our blind spots will become a healthy habit!

 

“Through technical devices … people were deprived of independent thought.”

By Angela Tooley

Eric and I recently visited the U. S. Holocaust Memorial Museum. I was struck by the overwhelming thought, how could this happen? How could the people of Nazi Germany have been so deceived and so unaware of what was happening to their culture and their Jewish countrymen.

Part of the answer is a testimony at the Nuremberg trials of Nazi war criminals:

“Through technical devices like the radio and loudspeaker, 80 million people were deprived of independent thought. It was thereby possible to subject them to the will of one man [Hitler].”

I’m a lifelong history enthusiast, so I was surprised when the museum displayed something that I had never heard of – The Volksempfänger.

“The People’s Receiver,” was designed by Nazi Propaganda Minister, Josef Goebbels. It was available at little to no cost to every German home. It’s low frequency ensured that only German and Austrian radio frequencies were received. All programming was controlled by the Nazi government.

The People’s Receiver delivered the Nazi lies and hate to every German home.

Today, are we any less susceptible to changes in our culture due to our dependence on technical devices?

Rather than one radio in our homes, we are bombarded everywhere with messages of sexual immorality, self-promotion, divisive political rhetoric and racial biases.  This happens through advertising, movies, mass media, the internet and social media.

These messages are delivered to us at anytime and anywhere through our indispensable phones and mobile devices.  Today we hold in our hands the delivery device of lies and self-deception.

We must teach our young people to have independent thought.

Noble Choices programs address these very issues. Not of the World equips students to see the effects of social media. Culture Illusions trains students how to notice cultural “truths” and question their accuracy. Both teach God’s plan about sex as a comparison. These helpful programs equip adults and youth to recognize the unhealthy influences of culture and media.

We would love to present these to your school, church, or civic group.

Let’s make sure we keep independent thought.

“The Truth will set your free.” –John 8:32

Wiesner-Hanks, M. E., Evans, A. D., Wheeler, W. B., & Ruff, J. (2014). Discovering the Western Past, Vol. II: Since 1500. Cengage Learning.

VICTORY in Online Safety

By Eric Tooley

Angela and I just spent a week in Washington, DC at the Coalition to End Sexual Exploitation Global Summit. Last Friday news broke that the Department of Justice seized and shutdown Backpage.com, the largest sex trafficking website in the world. The Coalition had targeted Backpage.com for several years for the following reasons:

  • “All of the child-trafficking cases prosecuted by this office over the past two years involved backpage.com.” —  St. Paul, MN County Attorney
  • in 2013, eight out of every ten dollars spent on online commercial sex advertisement in the U.S. went to Backpage.com. —  US Senate Subcommittee
  • “Adult and child sex trafficking victims were forced into prostitution through escort ads that appeared repeatedly on Backpage.” —  Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton

The Coalition went to work with the following initiatives:

  • Getting the US Congress to amend laws that protect websites from prosecution. —
    • This was done and President Trump will sign FOSTA-SESTA (H.R. 1865) later today!
    • In response to the bill’s passing, CraigsList, Reddit, and other sites shut down their personal sex sections.
  • Establish an app where users submit pictures of their hotel room so pictures on Backpage.com can be identified for their location so victims can be rescued. This was done.
  • Produce a documentary film highlighting the stories of victims and how Backpage.com was involved.
    • This was done.
    • “I am Jane Doe” is available on Netflix and online.
    • Angela and I screened this movie Thursday night of the conference and strongly recommend it.

Obviously, there was great rejoicing at the Summit when the news broke that Backpage.com had been shut down. During the press conference at the Summit, I announced on the Noble Choices FaceBook page that we debut a program on Sex Trafficking for churches and schools this fall.

Noble Choices has been a proud member of this coalition since our beginning in 2014. Noble Choice’s mission is not one of activism but one of education via prevention programs, counseling, and recovery programs. The Coalition welcomes our efforts as part of their prevention work.

Are You An Accessory to Abuse?

By Angela Tooley

156.

156 women testified. 156 deeply moving statements each made by a victim of Larry Nassar’s abuse during a week-long sentencing hearing.

The victims have become survivors, and each seeks to heal. Each one was not only abused, but each was betrayed by institutions thought to be places of trust and safety. Each will have to find courage to trust again.

USA Gymnastics will never be the same and for that matter all sports should go through an intense self-examination. Likewise, Michigan State will face painful consequences for protecting their self-interest ahead of their students.

Accusations were ignored because addressing them meant a loss of status to a program. Accusations were dismissed or denied because the predator gave convincing justifications to reassure questioning authorities. Despite what was seen and heard from accusers, no one in authority took action.

Predators exist among us in unassuming ways.  As a predator grooms victims, they also groom their enablers. Predators are manipulators and even a passed background check allows a false sense of security.

Survivor Annie Labrie said in her impact statement, “a pedophile cannot flourish in the way Larry did in an environment that is not conducive to his behavior. He was prolific because surrounding authorities allowed him to be.”

No matter what our role is in a youth’s life – as a teacher, coach, minister, parent or just as a responsible adult we are expected to be vigilant in protecting them.  Our responsibility is to act when danger is present or even suspected.

We protect when we:

  1. Watch
  2. Listen
  3. Act

Remember the adage – Where there’s smoke there’s fire?

If we saw smoke in our house we would never ignore it, thinking that fire wasn’t present. We would look for the source of the smoke.

As smoke fills the house, we would never ignore it thinking that it wasn’t there.

Nor would we sit still and not seek safety or call for help from the fire department.

We would not rationalize, deny or justify our inaction.

No, we would act.

That is trust worthy – and noble.

Levenson, E. (2018, February 5). Larry Nassar apologizes, gets 40 to 125 years for decades of sexual abuse. Retrieved from CNN: https://www.cnn.com/2018/02/05/us/larry-nassar-sentence-eaton/index.html

People Are Not For Sale

By Angela Tooley

It was a few years ago when I first heard the term – sex trafficking.

What? People taken and used as sex slaves?  Modern day slavery in a country that outlawed slavery over 150 years ago?

Sadly, this is the horribly true reality.

How did this happen?  What are the conditions that allow such a monster to exist?  Well let’s just start with the Super Bowl. A “market” drives demand for prostitutes every year in each Super Bowl city. For this reason,

January is Human Trafficking Awareness Month.

As I’m learning more it is heart breaking to me that children and adults are trafficked for sexual exploitation and forced labor. It happens through the means of force, abduction, fraud or coercion. It is indeed modern-day slavery as criminals profit from controlling and dehumanizing human beings. This trafficking exists in every corner of our country and throughout the world.

So how does pornography play a part in sex trafficking? The links between pornography and sex trafficking are undeniable.

  • Pornography is used as a “tool” to train young children and women so that they will “know” what to do in performing sex acts.
  • Pornography users often seek to act out what they have viewed in porn.
  • Pimps are operating more and more online as it becomes easier to connect with potential buyers and to remain anonymous. Most social media sites including Facebook and Snapchat as well as classified ad sites like Craigslist and the infamous Backpage have become “virtual brothels” where one can quickly find prostituted women and children to engage in sex acts.
  • As addictions to pornography increase, users seek more and more disturbing and violent material.
  • Porn users do not and cannot distinguish between trafficked women, prostitutes, and porn stars. [1]

All of these things fuel pornography and in turn fuel the global sex trade by driving demand into mainstream society. One should never ever think that viewing pornography is harmless.

Pornography is prostitution on screen.

The onscreen image is a human being, someone who is a daughter or son, a sister or brother. There is no excuse to allow trafficking to exist because

PEOPLE ARE NOT FOR SALE.

[1] The National Center on Sexual Exploitation. (2011, April 19). Talking Points: Porn & Trafficking. Retrieved from Porn Harms Research: http://pornharmsresearch.com/2011/04/trafficking/

Eight Reasons Sexual Harassment is not Reported

By Angela Tooley

I’ve always loved Rosie the Riveter. Rosie represents the empowerment of women in the World War II work force. She is tough and ready to meet the challenge of that time.

Today females are being challenged to find empowerment in another arena – defending themselves from sexual harassment. Harassing behavior exists from bullying to physical violation. Decades ago numerous costly lawsuits changed the workplace and gave young women like myself a voice to speak against such harassment.

I wonder what has changed?

Why does it seem like that females are defenseless against this dehumanizing attack?

  1. Pornography normalizes this behavior by the perpetrator.
  2. Pornography normalizes the acceptance and the conformity of the victims.
  3. Women feel they have to put up with this to advance their careers due to the glass ceiling of unequal pay and/or opportunities as men.
  4. Women want to avoid embarrassment.
  5. Women do not want to jeopardize their reputation.
  6. Women don’t think anyone will believe them.
  7. Women don’t believe it will do any good.
  8. Women, especially young ladies who have grown up with pornography may not have ever realized that they can so no to unwanted advances.

Those who have already come forward have been truly brave. Those who still need to come forward will need support.

For anyone reading this who has been a victim, and for anyone who feels like it is too late to be helped; we pray for you every day. There is help and hope, and we would love to share that with you.

For anyone who has been the perpetrator, there is help and hope for you, too.

The daily revelations of inappropriate sexual behavior have been stunning: entertainers, executives, politicians, journalists, teachers, and clergy. Sadly, I expect the revelations to continue and to eventually hit too close to our homes.

How will you respond?

Men and women, we are all empowered to say NO and to end any acceptance of these kinds of inappropriate behaviors.

Noble Choices stands with you as we:

  • educate about today’s pornography culture
  • empower youth to do the right thing
  • foster safe environments
  • provide recovery resources

This is for all of us.

We can do it!