Tag Archives: Bullying

The Text Message That Destroyed Lives

By Eric Tooley

Margarite is in middle school. Her parents are divorced and she lives with her father. After a fight with a school friend, she is shunned at school. She’s also alone at home where she stays in her room with just her cellphone and computer.

She meets an eighth-grade boy, Isaiah. They like each other. He sends her a picture of himself with no shirt.

Desperate for a boyfriend, Margarite replies with a picture of herself completely naked. They eventually break up.

A few weeks later, Isaiah mentions Margarite’s photo to a friend. She pressures him into sending it to her.

Isaiah doesn’t know she is the “friend” fighting with Margarite. That night, she texts the picture to all of her contacts and asks them to do the same. By the next morning the photo has gone viral.

Students are questioned by the police. Cellphones are confiscated. Isaiah and Margarite’s former friend are arrested and led out of the school in cuffs.  They spend the night in the juvenile detention center and are charged with dissemination of child pornography.

Local papers, television, and social media spread the story. Margarite moves in with her mother and transfers to a new school to start over. Within weeks, a boy at the new school has the picture. The girls at the new school begin to taunt her.

A year later, those involved comment on the events:

  • A student at Margarite’s school: “When I opened my phone, I knew who the girl in the picture was. It’s hard to ‘unsee’ something.”
  • Isaiah: “I didn’t know it was against the law. It hurts the people in the pictures. It can hurt your family and friends: the way they see you, the way you see yourself.”
  • Margarite: “Don’t do it at all. I mean, what are you thinking? It’s freaking stupid!”
  • Margarite’s dad:

“I learned a big lesson about my lack of involvement

in her use of the phone. I trusted her too much.

Margarite will have to live with this for the rest of her life.”

Read this story with your teens. Talk about the incredible consequences of sexting. Focus on each character: Margarite, Isaiah, Margarite’s friend, and even Margarite’s dad. Why did they do what they did? What were the consequences? What could they have done differently? Then do everything you can to protect your teens: use parental controls, monitor technology, and keep talking to them.

(“A Girl’s Nude Photo, and Altered Lives.” Hoffman. The New York Times, March 28, 2011.)

Parent’s Biggest Fears

Child - NoWhat are our biggest worries regarding our kids?

A recent study of over 2,000 American adults revealed the following list:
1. Childhood obesity
2. Smoking
3. Drug abuse
4. Bullying
5. Stress
6. Alcohol abuse
7. Internet safety
8. Child abuse and neglect
9. Teen pregnancy
10. Not enough physical activity
Very good list. Several of them are main focuses of our work at Noble Choices.

What do these worries all have in common?

The need for our children to say, “No.”
Do you teach your children to say, “no”?

Many parents actually do the opposite. They will respond to their child’s “no” with
• hurt
• withdrawal
• guilt
• anger
• threats
• punishment

Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend offer the following examples of parents not allowing their children to say “no.”
• “Mommy needs to hold you now.”
• “How can you say ‘no’ to your parents who love you?”
• “Don’t talk back to me.”
• “Someday you’ll feel sorry for hurting your parents’ feelings like that.”

Do you allow your child to disagree with you? When your child wants distance or to play something else, do you allow it? If your child argues about bedtime, do you listen, consider, and even change your mind occasionally? Even if you enforce the bedtime, do you do it without withdrawing love? If your child doesn’t want to give affection, do you force it?

How can we expect our teens to say no to smoking, drugs, alcohol, pornography, or teen sex if we haven’t allowed them to say no to anything else while growing up? However, if you teach them it is safe to say “no” and allow them to practice it, they will have ten years of practice before hitting their teen years.

Don’t be a NO NO parent. Be a KNOW NO parent.

Cloud, D. H., & Townsend, D. (1992). Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life.Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.
University of Michigan C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital. (2014, August 11). School violence, gun-related injuries in top 10 child health concerns in U.S. Retrieved from National Poll on Children’s Health: http://mottnpch.org/sites/default/files/documents/081114_top10.pdf

Ten Easy Ways To Protect Your Child Online

Children computerCan you think of a time during your childhood or teen years when you were picked on, put-down, or even shamed by other children or teens? It felt like you were “the only one” or that “everyone” was against you.

Most of us can remember these experiences vividly because of the emotional turmoil involved. Our young people today have these experiences also with one important difference: the Internet.

Those against them or at least aware of their shame could actually be everyone.

We have to do more to protect our children. Here are ten things I have gathered from several sources.

  1. Teach that all rules for interacting with people in person also apply online and in texting.
  2. Limit online privileges age appropriately. Don’t give too much access too soon.
  3. Be present in their online world. Text, Facebook friend, go to their pages, etc.
  4. Model appropriate online behavior.
  5. Teach how context can dramatically change meaning and online context is often unclear. Consider the difference in “Fire!” yelled by a firefighter or a soldier in battle or a toddler by a fireplace.
  6. Use filtering and accountability software. It’s like the fence that surrounds the playground.
  7. Establish a contract or covenant. List expectations and consequences. Sign it and post it.
  8. Teach the three R’s of responding to cyber bullying: reject (tell them to stop), record (keep all evidence), report (keeping telling adults until one helps you).
  9. Teach the Golden Rule still applies even when online.
  10. Pray. After each online session ask your child to choose someone online to pray for with you.

(Hinduja, S., & Patchin, J. (2009, July 30). Preventing Cyberbullying: Top Ten Tips for Parents. Retrieved from Cyberbullying Research Center: http://www.cyberbullying.us/Top_Ten_Tips_Parents_Cyberbullying_Response.pdf)

(Mueller, W. (2012). A Parents’ Guide To Cyberbullying. Retrieved from CPYU’s Digital Kids Initiative: http://www.digitalkidsinitiative.com/files/2012/01/Cyberbully_handout.pdf)

(Tooley, E. (2013, March 8). In the world but not of the world: Social media and the struggle to keep our children safe and pure. National Christian School Association Annual Conference. Oklahoma City, OK: Speaker’s PowerPoint.)