Tag Archives: Infedility

Eight Factors Common in Childhoods of Sex Addicts

I am a huge baseball fan and the postseason is great. Last year in the 10th inning of the decisive game of the World Series, Chicago Cub Ben Zobrist drove in the winning run.

Was this just about an opportunity? Or was this path set much earlier: the Houston Astros who first drafted him? His high school coach who convinced him to try out? His whiffle ball games with his friends at age 8?

It was the opportunity AND the path.

What about a person struggling with pornography? Is it just about an opportunity? Or is it about a path that had been set many years before? Again, the answer is both.

Patrick Carnes lists eight factors common in families of sex addicts.

  1. Addiction.

This can be alcohol, gambling, nicotine, eating, drugs, sex, or pornography. Often it is a combination.

  1. Secrets.

This “elephant in the living room” is having a huge impact on life but everyone pretends it is not there.

  1. Rigid and authoritarian.

There is only one way to do things. There is no give and take.

  1. Sex-negativity.

Sex is always negative, dirty, bad, sinful, or nasty.

  1. Sexual duplicity.

Parents do not live up to their standards about sex. There are affairs, pornography, sexting, etc.

  1. Little intimacy.

Family members are disengaged. There is little sharing of feelings or vulnerability.

  1. Neglect.

This could be capital N neglect: sexual, physical, emotional abuse or a lack of food, shelter, clothes, or safety. It could be little n neglect: lack of attention, empathy, or love.

  1. Compartmentalization.

People act one way in one situation and something totally different in another. There is an overreaction or under-response to life’s problems.

Are any of these factors present in your home? King Solomon wrote in Proverbs 22:6, “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.” Apparently, that is true negatively and positively.

Carnes, P. (2015). Facing the Shadow: Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery (Third ed.). Carefree, AZ: Gentle Path Press.

Topkin, M. (2009, July 13). Tampa Bay Rays’ Ben Zobrist has taken a surprising path to today’s All-Star Game. Retrieved from Tampa Bay Times: http://www.tampabay.com/sports/baseball/rays/tampa-bay-rays-ben-zobrist-has-taken-a-surprising-path-to-todays-all-star/1018198

The Premarital Affair

Despite our culture that seems to ever increase its promotion of sexual pleasure, the vast majority of Americans (85%) still disapprove of extramarital affairs.

I believe the reason is because we feel for the betrayed spouse. Many of my coaching clients are betrayed spouses who are devastated but still want to save their marriage. If you have heard me speak, you know that my first wife had an online affair. I know that pain and devastation personally.

Dr. Shirley Glass did extensive research on infidelity. She describes the following vulnerabilities to having an affair.

You are more likely to be unfaithful if:

  1. Your friends and professional colleagues are unfaithful
  2. You work in entertainment or sports
  3. Your work or social environments condone affairs
  4. You believe that infidelity is common
  5. Your parents had an affair
  6. You are successful at work with a greater income
  7. You live in or near large metropolitan centers
  8. You travel for work
  9. You had an affair before
  10. You hold a high-status or powerful position
  11. You over indulge in alcohol and/or drugs
  12. You were the victim of sexual abuse
  13. You had premarital sex with multiple partners

Please note that Dr. Glass was quick to point out that none of these was an absolute predictor of an affair. She notes exceptions to each one. They are simply areas of vulnerability.

Besides protecting your own marriage (#5), this list gives great guidelines for parenting teenagers. Notice the link to premarital sex (#13). This is one more reason to give our teens to save sex for marriage.

We also need to teach our teens to choose good friends (#1, #3), avoid alcohol and drugs (#11), and choose a supportive work environment (#2, #3). We also need to make sure we continually battle the teens perception that “everyone is doing it [sex].” (#4)

This list can also guide our teens in the selection of who they should date or eventually marry. No one who is getting married wants or expects their marriage to deal with an affair. The real work of affair prevention may start long before we even know who we will marry.

Glass, S. P. (2003). Not “Just Friends”. New York: The Free Press.