Tag Archives: Parenting

Movie Review: Beautifully Broken

By Eric Tooley

Angela and I were invited to preview the movie Beautifully Broken which opens in theaters this weekend. It describes itself as

“A refugee’s escape, a prisoner’s promise, and a daughter’s painful secret converge in this inspiring true story of hope. As three fathers fight to save their families, their lives become intertwined in an unlikely journey across the globe, where they learn the healing power of forgiveness and reconciliation.”

The movie includes appearances by TobyMac and Michael W. Smith and the music of CeCe Winans, John Berry, and Plumb. You’ll recognize Benjamin Onyango in a lead role from the God’s Not Dead movies.

This movie is an amazing true story that shows how

“God  works for good with those who love him” (Romans 8:28)

even in the midst of genocide, rape, and being a refugee.

This movie is rated PG-13 for mature thematic content involving violence and disturbing images, and some drug material. This is not your typical feel-good Christian movie. It is a tough movie that shows the darkness in our world and is not for children under 13 or for teens sensitive to these hard topics.

For those who can handle it, the movie shows how God is involved in even the worse of human activities. Themes of forgiveness and reconciliation ring true. We recommend the movie Beautifully Broken for teens and adults and hope you will talk about it many times afterward.

Five Things To Do If Your Child Looks at Porn

By Angela Tooley

Help!

You have just discovered pornographic images or sexual content on your child’s computer or mobile device. At the same time, you may feel anger, dismay and fear for your child. Pause and consider how to respond. Here are five practical steps to take right now:

1. Pray

As simple as it sounds, pray and ask God for wisdom and patience. Surrender your child to God for healing, then trust in the Lord’s timing for that healing.

2. Stay calm

Before you begin a conversation with your child determine that you will stay calm, no matter what. Be prepared for a variety of reactions from denial to shame to relief. While your child may be upset that you’ve discovered their secret, it will not help at all if you are upset.

3. Share the struggle

Unfortunately, almost all of us have seen (even unintentionally) inappropriate images. Whether it was intentional or the result of an internet pop up, sexual content in advertising, tv programs or movies – porn has quickly become an ever-present evil. Mom and Dad, you do not have disclose your struggle in detail but let your child know that they do not struggle with this issue alone.

4. Validate worth

Your child is probably struggling with shame and perhaps a low self-image. Remind your child how precious he/she is to you and that whatever they have done or seen, their worth comes from being made in the image of God. Affirm all their good qualities.

5. Be connected

What may seem like a crisis is an opportunity to connect and bond. Use this time wisely to plan time together that is unrushed and distraction free. Your child will appreciate your presence and support.

This is just the beginning of a parenting journey for you and healing for your child. Next week we’ll share five more steps to help guide you through. Stay tuned for Noble Notes next week!

Have questions? Just call (214-415-4555) or email us (office@noblechoices.org). We’re here to help.

New Data on Teen Sex Rates

By Eric Tooley

Last week the Centers for Disease Control released new data on teen sex rates. This representative sample study of over fourteen thousand U.S high school teens is conducted every two years.

The 2017 results showed the following:

  • 60.5% have never had sexual intercourse.
  • 71.3% were not currently sexually active during the 3 months before the survey.
  • 46.2% did not use a condom during last sexual intercourse.
  • 13.8% did not use any method to prevent pregnancy during last sexual intercourse.

In 1996 I began to speak in public schools about saving sex for marriage. At that time:

  • 46.9% have never had sexual intercourse.
  • 62.1% were not currently sexually active during the 3 months before the survey.
  • 52.8% did not use a condom during last sexual intercourse.
  • 15.8% did not use any method to prevent pregnancy during last sexual intercourse.

This is an incredible improvement. The fact that the sexual rate is 26% lower now is especially notable.

We still have work to do. The same study revealed that among 2017 U.S. high school students:

  • 11.3% of females were physically forced to have sexual intercourse.
  • 15.2% of females were forced to do sexual things during the 12 months before the survey [counting such things as kissing, touching, or being physically forced to have sexual intercourse].

These numbers have not improved in the last ten years.

I remember high school principals laughing at me when I talked about speaking to their students about saving sex for marriage. They felt like the students would not listen and certainly would not change their behavior. My answer?

Students can make good choices when they are given good information.

Even now I still have this belief. That’s why we chose to name our non-profit organization, Noble Choices.

What about you? Have you given up on teens today?

They listen to people they know care about them.

Care enough to give them good information.

Care enough to believe they can make Noble Choices.

Care enough to try.

 

Kann, L., McManus, T., Harris, W., & et al. (2018). Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance — United States, 2017. MMWR Surveill Summ, 1-114.

The One Thing Anyone Can Do To Prevent Suicide

By Angela Tooley

During the last week we’ve been surrounded with stories of despair and hopelessness. When life becomes so overwhelming that one gives up and would no longer wish to live is such depressing news.

You wonder what could have made the difference for that person. You wonder how do I come alongside someone to offer support and comfort?

Romans 12:15 instructs us to “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”

Three weeks ago Noble Notes was about how to rejoice and “The Importance of Partying.” But we must also know how to mourn. None of us are strangers to the weight of our sins and shame, our illnesses and weaknesses, our brokenness and heartbreaks.

Romans 12:15 means for us to be present for each other and – to listen.

This my prayer for listening:

Lord, may I always

  • Listen to understand, not to reply.
  • Listen with my eyes, seeing others as you see them.
  • Listen with mercy, not judgement.
  • Listen with compassion and empathy.
  • Listen with patience and humility.
  • Listen for how to be reconciled, not for how to be right.
  • Listen with gratitude, that you have provided this moment.

Now may I share hope.

In Jesus name, Amen.

The hymn, “Christ Has Risen While Earth Slumbers,” is a message of hope.

Christ has risen and forever lives to challenge and to change all whose lives are messed or mangled, all who find religion strange.

Christ is present making us what he has been – evidence of transformation in which God is known and seen.

Christ has risen while earth slumbers, Christ has risen where hope died, as he said and as he promised, as we doubted and denied. Christ is risen, God is here!

If you’re struggling today to find hope, I URGE you to reach out. Find someone you trust, a counselor, or a church.

Call the National Suicide Prevention lines,

1-800-SUICIDE or 1-800-273-TALK,

24 hours a day.

You are not alone.

If you’re in a place of strength today, be the listening and loving presence of Christ to those around you. God bless you as you come alongside others, as you listen, and as you share hope.

Four-Step Crisis Plan

By Angela Tooley

High Side! This is an emergency command from a white-water rafting guide. It means for everyone in the raft to move to the high side of the raft to keep from capsizing.

Years ago, I went on my first (and only) white water rafting trip. Before the adventure began the river guides gave our group a lively talk about the safety rules we needed to know. While the talk was kept lighthearted, I could tell that I needed to pay attention and remember what I was being told. We were instructed about a number of scenarios including which way to swim if we got thrown out of the raft, or the worst-case scenario of what to do if we found ourselves stuck underneath the raft.

The adventure began, and we were having an exciting time progressing through the rapids. Suddenly our guide yelled “High Side!”. The problem was that I was on the opposite side of the boat and had to navigate over a cooler. Sure enough, I did not make it and quickly found myself in the water.

Under the raft.

I panicked for a few seconds as I watched my air bubbles going out. Then I remembered exactly what I had been instructed to do – walk my hands on the bottom of the boat until I got to the edge. By that time my boat mates were looking for me and were able to pull me up. Talk about an adrenaline rush!

That rafting trip taught me a lot about staying calm in a crisis and it has served me well since.

Life can bring crisis suddenly – the loss of loved ones, loss of jobs, illness, and hurts in relationships – like when I found out about pornography in my marriage.

Be ready to act in a crisis.

Here’s my plan:

  1. Follow instructions – Listen to God through Bible reading and prayer.
  2. Stay calm – By remembering the hope of God’s truth.
  3. Trusting others – I cannot rescue myself. Find godly guidance and mentoring.
  4. Look ahead for threats – Move away from danger.

That’s living on the high side!

The Importance of Partying

By Eric Tooley

Do you party enough?

I remember playing football in the 4th grade. Believe it or not, I was the quarterback. In the fourth quarter of a game, I scored two touchdowns and brought our team from behind to win the game. My parents were not at the game. There was no celebration.

I remember bringing home straight A’s on my report card. Not only was there no party, I actually got in trouble because I only got an A in math instead of my usual A+.

I remember a freshman high school football game when I intercepted a screen pass and scored the winning touchdown. My parents weren’t at that game either. That night I went to my girlfriend’s house and ended up having sex for the first time.

If we don’t party right, we’ll likely party wrong.

Acting out sexually became my reward for an achievement or making it through a stressful or difficult time. This is an issue that I address with my clients who struggle with pornography: the importance of celebration or reward. Otherwise the following justifications hit hard:

  • “I’ve done so well, I earned this.”
  • “Nobody else will congratulate me, I deserve this!”
  • “I can relax now.”

God places an importance on partying.

Luke 15:5-6: “When he finds it, he joyfully … calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’”

Luke 15: 9: “When she finds it, she calls her friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost coin.’”

Luke 15:23-24: “Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”

Do you place an importance on partying?

Good grades, raises, touchdowns, promotions, concerts, new jobs, plays, and many other occasions are causes for celebration. Be sure to do it. If we don’t, we may be driven to “celebrate” in pornography, sexually acting out, or other unhealthy behaviors.

Partying is a Noble Choice. Call your friends and neighbors together and say, ‘Rejoice with me!

The Text Message That Destroyed Lives

By Eric Tooley

Margarite is in middle school. Her parents are divorced and she lives with her father. After a fight with a school friend, she is shunned at school. She’s also alone at home where she stays in her room with just her cellphone and computer.

She meets an eighth-grade boy, Isaiah. They like each other. He sends her a picture of himself with no shirt.

Desperate for a boyfriend, Margarite replies with a picture of herself completely naked. They eventually break up.

A few weeks later, Isaiah mentions Margarite’s photo to a friend. She pressures him into sending it to her.

Isaiah doesn’t know she is the “friend” fighting with Margarite. That night, she texts the picture to all of her contacts and asks them to do the same. By the next morning the photo has gone viral.

Students are questioned by the police. Cellphones are confiscated. Isaiah and Margarite’s former friend are arrested and led out of the school in cuffs.  They spend the night in the juvenile detention center and are charged with dissemination of child pornography.

Local papers, television, and social media spread the story. Margarite moves in with her mother and transfers to a new school to start over. Within weeks, a boy at the new school has the picture. The girls at the new school begin to taunt her.

A year later, those involved comment on the events:

  • A student at Margarite’s school: “When I opened my phone, I knew who the girl in the picture was. It’s hard to ‘unsee’ something.”
  • Isaiah: “I didn’t know it was against the law. It hurts the people in the pictures. It can hurt your family and friends: the way they see you, the way you see yourself.”
  • Margarite: “Don’t do it at all. I mean, what are you thinking? It’s freaking stupid!”
  • Margarite’s dad:

“I learned a big lesson about my lack of involvement

in her use of the phone. I trusted her too much.

Margarite will have to live with this for the rest of her life.”

Read this story with your teens. Talk about the incredible consequences of sexting. Focus on each character: Margarite, Isaiah, Margarite’s friend, and even Margarite’s dad. Why did they do what they did? What were the consequences? What could they have done differently? Then do everything you can to protect your teens: use parental controls, monitor technology, and keep talking to them.

(“A Girl’s Nude Photo, and Altered Lives.” Hoffman. The New York Times, March 28, 2011.)

I Can Only Imagine

By Eric Tooley

 My wife and I previewed the movie, I Can Only Imagine. I have seen MercyMe perform my favorite song live a few times and it always moves me to tears.

The movie is amazing. Go see it.

This is the true story of Bart Millard, lead singer of MercyMe. It is also my story.

The movie is about how Bart went into music despite his troubled home, how he made peace with his father, and how he wrote the song.

As a teenager, Bart told his dad he wanted to sing. His dad said, “Dreams don’t pay the bills.”

Bart replies, “Dad, I can do this.”

His dad answers, “No, you can’t! And you’re going to blink your eyes and you’re going to realize that life has got you nowhere because you chased some stupid dream.”

I know how Bart felt. As a teenager, I told my dad, “I don’t want to be a doctor or play football or go to Oklahoma University. I want to be a youth minister and go to Abilene Christian University and study Bible.”

My dad responded, “You are taking the easy way out in life and wasting your God-given intelligence and talent. I’ll give you two weeks to come up with a good reason for this or you’ll lose your car.”

I responded, “I will tell you then what I am telling you now. I believe God wants me to do this. Punish me all you want but I have to do what my God wants.”

Dad didn’t punish me and I held true to my word except I took a scholarship to Oklahoma Christian. A year and a half later, I baptized my parents.

Eight years later my dad visited me when I was a youth minister in New Orleans. He saw the great things God was doing in my ministry. I’ll never forget the moment we stood looking at the Mississippi River near the Café Du Monde. He put his arm around me and said, “I am really proud of you.”

Tell your kids you are proud of them. Don’t let your pride be something they only imagine.

Are You An Accessory to Abuse?

By Angela Tooley

156.

156 women testified. 156 deeply moving statements each made by a victim of Larry Nassar’s abuse during a week-long sentencing hearing.

The victims have become survivors, and each seeks to heal. Each one was not only abused, but each was betrayed by institutions thought to be places of trust and safety. Each will have to find courage to trust again.

USA Gymnastics will never be the same and for that matter all sports should go through an intense self-examination. Likewise, Michigan State will face painful consequences for protecting their self-interest ahead of their students.

Accusations were ignored because addressing them meant a loss of status to a program. Accusations were dismissed or denied because the predator gave convincing justifications to reassure questioning authorities. Despite what was seen and heard from accusers, no one in authority took action.

Predators exist among us in unassuming ways.  As a predator grooms victims, they also groom their enablers. Predators are manipulators and even a passed background check allows a false sense of security.

Survivor Annie Labrie said in her impact statement, “a pedophile cannot flourish in the way Larry did in an environment that is not conducive to his behavior. He was prolific because surrounding authorities allowed him to be.”

No matter what our role is in a youth’s life – as a teacher, coach, minister, parent or just as a responsible adult we are expected to be vigilant in protecting them.  Our responsibility is to act when danger is present or even suspected.

We protect when we:

  1. Watch
  2. Listen
  3. Act

Remember the adage – Where there’s smoke there’s fire?

If we saw smoke in our house we would never ignore it, thinking that fire wasn’t present. We would look for the source of the smoke.

As smoke fills the house, we would never ignore it thinking that it wasn’t there.

Nor would we sit still and not seek safety or call for help from the fire department.

We would not rationalize, deny or justify our inaction.

No, we would act.

That is trust worthy – and noble.

Levenson, E. (2018, February 5). Larry Nassar apologizes, gets 40 to 125 years for decades of sexual abuse. Retrieved from CNN: https://www.cnn.com/2018/02/05/us/larry-nassar-sentence-eaton/index.html

Six Things To NEVER Do If Your Child Looks At Porn

If you discover your child is looking at pornography:

  1. DO NOT PANIC

This moment is not about you. Put your feelings (i.e. fear, anger, disappointment, etc.) aside and focus on your child. Show your child that you love, support, understand, and want to help. Unfortunately, porn is common among teens. One study found that 93% of boys and 62% of girls were exposed to pornography before age 18. (1)

  1. DO NOT IGNORE

As an adult, I learned that my parent’s knew I was looking at their pornography. They never mentioned it to me because “boys will be boys.” Oh how I wish they had helped me. I suffered under this addiction for thirty-five years!

  1. DO NOT ASK FOR (OR EXPECT) A CONFESSION

Only 22% of adults confessed when confronted by their spouse even with evidence. (2) Do you think your child or teenager is more likely to confess than these adults?

Instead of asking “Did you …?”, say “I discovered …” in a matter of fact tone. Remember we set aside feelings of fear, anger, and disappointment?

  1. DO NOT INTERROGATE

Avoid asking “why”. Use concrete questions: When did this start? How often have you looked at porn in the last month? How do you access the pornography? What can I do to help you stop?

Then Listen. Validate their feelings even if positive. “I could see how that would be exciting for you.” Validation just means you understand not necessarily agree.

  1. DO NOT MAINTAIN THE STATUS QUO

Your child’s promise to never do it again is not enough. Believe their sincerity but don’t believe in their self-control. Do whatever you can to block your child’s access to porn. You don’t let the alcoholic keep going to the bar.

  1. DO NOT GO IT ALONE

Remember that fear, anger and disappointment you set aside? You need someone to express your feelings. Your child likely needs the same support. Call us (972-342-0753 or 214-415-4555) or email us here at Noble Choices. This is our specialty. We want to help.

(1) Chlara, S., Wolak, J., & Finkelhor, D. (2008). The nature and dynamics of Internet pornography exposure for youth. CyberPsychology and Behavior, 691-693.

(2) Steffens, B., & Means, M. (2010). Your Sexually Addicted Spouse. Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press.