Tag Archives: Pornography

Five Things To Do If Your Child Looks at Porn

By Angela Tooley

Help!

You have just discovered pornographic images or sexual content on your child’s computer or mobile device. At the same time, you may feel anger, dismay and fear for your child. Pause and consider how to respond. Here are five practical steps to take right now:

1. Pray

As simple as it sounds, pray and ask God for wisdom and patience. Surrender your child to God for healing, then trust in the Lord’s timing for that healing.

2. Stay calm

Before you begin a conversation with your child determine that you will stay calm, no matter what. Be prepared for a variety of reactions from denial to shame to relief. While your child may be upset that you’ve discovered their secret, it will not help at all if you are upset.

3. Share the struggle

Unfortunately, almost all of us have seen (even unintentionally) inappropriate images. Whether it was intentional or the result of an internet pop up, sexual content in advertising, tv programs or movies – porn has quickly become an ever-present evil. Mom and Dad, you do not have disclose your struggle in detail but let your child know that they do not struggle with this issue alone.

4. Validate worth

Your child is probably struggling with shame and perhaps a low self-image. Remind your child how precious he/she is to you and that whatever they have done or seen, their worth comes from being made in the image of God. Affirm all their good qualities.

5. Be connected

What may seem like a crisis is an opportunity to connect and bond. Use this time wisely to plan time together that is unrushed and distraction free. Your child will appreciate your presence and support.

This is just the beginning of a parenting journey for you and healing for your child. Next week we’ll share five more steps to help guide you through. Stay tuned for Noble Notes next week!

Have questions? Just call (214-415-4555) or email us (office@noblechoices.org). We’re here to help.

Pornography on the Evening News

By Eric Tooley

A surveillance camera caught a law enforcement officer having sex while on duty. There are obvious moral and legal issues but that’s not the focus of my commentary.

I learned about this case through a friend’s post on Facebook. I then found it on local and national news websites. The national news described the act in vivid detail and had links to still pictures from the surveillance video. While no nudity is revealed, there is still no question to the activity of the two people in the photograph.

Each local news broadcast showed the pictures. One broadcast had a warning to parents and said they purposefully waited until the late news to show the pictures.

Yet this one minute, fifty-two second television news story showed the pictures six times (four at full screen) for over fifty percent of the segment.

If that wasn’t enough, the reporter printed the pictures and took them to various people in town to get their reaction for the story.

My personal battle against viewing pornography led me years ago to quit watching local or national television news. As I watched these news segments, I realized I was reacting as I would when I would start viewing pornography.

I turned away but who knows

  • How many porn addicts were led to a relapse?
  • How many young boys thus got their first exposure to pornography?
  • How many young girls are learning what sex is through this story?

This is just the latest reason among many that our personal disciplines of “bouncing our eyes” and “capturing our thoughts” must be constant and always active.

Let me encourage you that the more you exercise these disciplines the stronger they become. My “battle” during this news story was an easy victory after years of strengthening these disciplines. However, I can never rest because the battle still came in a way I least expected it.

(Specific citations withheld due to the explicit nature of the articles.)

Porn is Anti-Relationships

By Eric Tooley

I am not a rock music fan. Don’t get me wrong. I like rock music. I love TobyMac and For King and Country. Secular rock’s many vulgar performances and nasty lyrics have ruined it for me.

John Mayer, evidently, is a rock star.

He is not a preacher, counselor, researcher, or a professor. Better than any of those experts, he explains what pornography can do to you.

“Internet pornography has absolutely changed my generation’s expectations. …How does that not affect the psychology of having a relationship with somebody? It’s got to. When I meet somebody, I’m in a situation in which I can’t run it because another person is involved.

If I date somebody and it doesn’t work out, it’s another nightmare for me. …If I date nine more girls before I get married …that would be nine more spats of character assassination.

I don’t equate sex with release, I equate it with tension. I grew up in my own head. As soon as I lose that control, once I have to deal with someone else’s desires, I cut and run.

I mean, I have unbelievable [sex] alone. They’re always the best. They always end the way I want them to end.

This is my problem now: Rather than meet somebody new, I would rather go home and replay the … experiences I’ve already had. …I’m more comfortable in my imagination than I am in actual human discovery.“

Can you feel the fear? the loneliness?

Pornography, while being all about sex, actually robs people from being able to enjoy sex.

(Specific citation withheld due to the explicit nature of the article.)

Pornography Recovery Success

By Eric Tooley

Today, February 28, 2018, is my four-year anniversary of sobriety from pornography!

I will celebrate tonight in our Celebrate Recovery program and pick up this coin. I thank God for this freedom.

As I reflect on the longest sobriety I have achieved in 43 years, Luke 11:34 comes to mind:

Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eyes are healthy, your whole body also is full of light. But when they are unhealthy, your body also is full of darkness.

Jesus tells us that to become light we need our eyes to be healthy. In my battle with pornography, here are nine ways I make my eyes healthy:

  1. I look away from sexual images.
  2. I avoid movies with sexual content. This has eliminated R-rated and many PG-13 movies.
  3. I opted-out of the Sports Illustrated swim suit issue. ESPN: The Magazine does not make that offer for its body issue so I cancelled that subscription.
  4. I avoid television shows with sexual content. I pretty much only watch baseball, football, and some older comedy shows.
  5. I avoid watching the news. There is usually at least one story that is sexual in nature. This was a huge trigger for me to go to the internet to research a story and then end up looking at porn.
  6. When staying in a hotel, I rarely turn on the TV.
  7. Even though we do not have children at home, we set the TV parental controls to TV-PG.
  8. We have programmed our TV channel listings not to display any adult listings.
  9. I “unfollow” friends on Facebook that post anything of a sexual nature.

My addiction ritual was to be triggered and then go to the internet for pornography. Once I eliminated my triggers, pornography is not an issue for me. We are all different and have our own triggers. In my Images or Glory? program, I talk about bouncing your eyes to avoid pornography.

Be full of light. Keep your eyes healthy. Bounce your eyes.

People Are Not For Sale

By Angela Tooley

It was a few years ago when I first heard the term – sex trafficking.

What? People taken and used as sex slaves?  Modern day slavery in a country that outlawed slavery over 150 years ago?

Sadly, this is the horribly true reality.

How did this happen?  What are the conditions that allow such a monster to exist?  Well let’s just start with the Super Bowl. A “market” drives demand for prostitutes every year in each Super Bowl city. For this reason,

January is Human Trafficking Awareness Month.

As I’m learning more it is heart breaking to me that children and adults are trafficked for sexual exploitation and forced labor. It happens through the means of force, abduction, fraud or coercion. It is indeed modern-day slavery as criminals profit from controlling and dehumanizing human beings. This trafficking exists in every corner of our country and throughout the world.

So how does pornography play a part in sex trafficking? The links between pornography and sex trafficking are undeniable.

  • Pornography is used as a “tool” to train young children and women so that they will “know” what to do in performing sex acts.
  • Pornography users often seek to act out what they have viewed in porn.
  • Pimps are operating more and more online as it becomes easier to connect with potential buyers and to remain anonymous. Most social media sites including Facebook and Snapchat as well as classified ad sites like Craigslist and the infamous Backpage have become “virtual brothels” where one can quickly find prostituted women and children to engage in sex acts.
  • As addictions to pornography increase, users seek more and more disturbing and violent material.
  • Porn users do not and cannot distinguish between trafficked women, prostitutes, and porn stars. [1]

All of these things fuel pornography and in turn fuel the global sex trade by driving demand into mainstream society. One should never ever think that viewing pornography is harmless.

Pornography is prostitution on screen.

The onscreen image is a human being, someone who is a daughter or son, a sister or brother. There is no excuse to allow trafficking to exist because

PEOPLE ARE NOT FOR SALE.

[1] The National Center on Sexual Exploitation. (2011, April 19). Talking Points: Porn & Trafficking. Retrieved from Porn Harms Research: http://pornharmsresearch.com/2011/04/trafficking/

Six Things To NEVER Do If Your Child Looks At Porn

If you discover your child is looking at pornography:

  1. DO NOT PANIC

This moment is not about you. Put your feelings (i.e. fear, anger, disappointment, etc.) aside and focus on your child. Show your child that you love, support, understand, and want to help. Unfortunately, porn is common among teens. One study found that 93% of boys and 62% of girls were exposed to pornography before age 18. (1)

  1. DO NOT IGNORE

As an adult, I learned that my parent’s knew I was looking at their pornography. They never mentioned it to me because “boys will be boys.” Oh how I wish they had helped me. I suffered under this addiction for thirty-five years!

  1. DO NOT ASK FOR (OR EXPECT) A CONFESSION

Only 22% of adults confessed when confronted by their spouse even with evidence. (2) Do you think your child or teenager is more likely to confess than these adults?

Instead of asking “Did you …?”, say “I discovered …” in a matter of fact tone. Remember we set aside feelings of fear, anger, and disappointment?

  1. DO NOT INTERROGATE

Avoid asking “why”. Use concrete questions: When did this start? How often have you looked at porn in the last month? How do you access the pornography? What can I do to help you stop?

Then Listen. Validate their feelings even if positive. “I could see how that would be exciting for you.” Validation just means you understand not necessarily agree.

  1. DO NOT MAINTAIN THE STATUS QUO

Your child’s promise to never do it again is not enough. Believe their sincerity but don’t believe in their self-control. Do whatever you can to block your child’s access to porn. You don’t let the alcoholic keep going to the bar.

  1. DO NOT GO IT ALONE

Remember that fear, anger and disappointment you set aside? You need someone to express your feelings. Your child likely needs the same support. Call us (972-342-0753 or 214-415-4555) or email us here at Noble Choices. This is our specialty. We want to help.

(1) Chlara, S., Wolak, J., & Finkelhor, D. (2008). The nature and dynamics of Internet pornography exposure for youth. CyberPsychology and Behavior, 691-693.

(2) Steffens, B., & Means, M. (2010). Your Sexually Addicted Spouse. Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press.

Eight Reasons Sexual Harassment is not Reported

By Angela Tooley

I’ve always loved Rosie the Riveter. Rosie represents the empowerment of women in the World War II work force. She is tough and ready to meet the challenge of that time.

Today females are being challenged to find empowerment in another arena – defending themselves from sexual harassment. Harassing behavior exists from bullying to physical violation. Decades ago numerous costly lawsuits changed the workplace and gave young women like myself a voice to speak against such harassment.

I wonder what has changed?

Why does it seem like that females are defenseless against this dehumanizing attack?

  1. Pornography normalizes this behavior by the perpetrator.
  2. Pornography normalizes the acceptance and the conformity of the victims.
  3. Women feel they have to put up with this to advance their careers due to the glass ceiling of unequal pay and/or opportunities as men.
  4. Women want to avoid embarrassment.
  5. Women do not want to jeopardize their reputation.
  6. Women don’t think anyone will believe them.
  7. Women don’t believe it will do any good.
  8. Women, especially young ladies who have grown up with pornography may not have ever realized that they can so no to unwanted advances.

Those who have already come forward have been truly brave. Those who still need to come forward will need support.

For anyone reading this who has been a victim, and for anyone who feels like it is too late to be helped; we pray for you every day. There is help and hope, and we would love to share that with you.

For anyone who has been the perpetrator, there is help and hope for you, too.

The daily revelations of inappropriate sexual behavior have been stunning: entertainers, executives, politicians, journalists, teachers, and clergy. Sadly, I expect the revelations to continue and to eventually hit too close to our homes.

How will you respond?

Men and women, we are all empowered to say NO and to end any acceptance of these kinds of inappropriate behaviors.

Noble Choices stands with you as we:

  • educate about today’s pornography culture
  • empower youth to do the right thing
  • foster safe environments
  • provide recovery resources

This is for all of us.

We can do it!

Eight Factors Common in Childhoods of Sex Addicts

I am a huge baseball fan and the postseason is great. Last year in the 10th inning of the decisive game of the World Series, Chicago Cub Ben Zobrist drove in the winning run.

Was this just about an opportunity? Or was this path set much earlier: the Houston Astros who first drafted him? His high school coach who convinced him to try out? His whiffle ball games with his friends at age 8?

It was the opportunity AND the path.

What about a person struggling with pornography? Is it just about an opportunity? Or is it about a path that had been set many years before? Again, the answer is both.

Patrick Carnes lists eight factors common in families of sex addicts.

  1. Addiction.

This can be alcohol, gambling, nicotine, eating, drugs, sex, or pornography. Often it is a combination.

  1. Secrets.

This “elephant in the living room” is having a huge impact on life but everyone pretends it is not there.

  1. Rigid and authoritarian.

There is only one way to do things. There is no give and take.

  1. Sex-negativity.

Sex is always negative, dirty, bad, sinful, or nasty.

  1. Sexual duplicity.

Parents do not live up to their standards about sex. There are affairs, pornography, sexting, etc.

  1. Little intimacy.

Family members are disengaged. There is little sharing of feelings or vulnerability.

  1. Neglect.

This could be capital N neglect: sexual, physical, emotional abuse or a lack of food, shelter, clothes, or safety. It could be little n neglect: lack of attention, empathy, or love.

  1. Compartmentalization.

People act one way in one situation and something totally different in another. There is an overreaction or under-response to life’s problems.

Are any of these factors present in your home? King Solomon wrote in Proverbs 22:6, “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.” Apparently, that is true negatively and positively.

Carnes, P. (2015). Facing the Shadow: Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery (Third ed.). Carefree, AZ: Gentle Path Press.

Topkin, M. (2009, July 13). Tampa Bay Rays’ Ben Zobrist has taken a surprising path to today’s All-Star Game. Retrieved from Tampa Bay Times: http://www.tampabay.com/sports/baseball/rays/tampa-bay-rays-ben-zobrist-has-taken-a-surprising-path-to-todays-all-star/1018198

Study on Porn Use

A recent study shows that porn use is worse than we thought. And we thought it was pretty bad.

The Barna Group surveyed a representative sample of U.S. adults.

Men age 18 to 30 who viewed pornography more than once a month was 75%!

It wasn’t much better for men age 31 to 49 which was 59%.

Viewing porn more than monthly was relatively the same across all income levels and education levels and specifically was:

  • 69% of Hispanic men
  • 64% of Black men
  • 49% of White men
  • 56% of non-Christian men
  • 52% of Christian men
  • 62% of non-married men
  • 40% of married men

Roughly 1 out of every 5 men either said they were addicted to pornography or were unsure.

Particularly alarming was the rate of women using pornography.

While less than 10% of women over 30 view pornography more than once a month, for women 18 to 30 it was 34%!

Income and education levels also had little differences among the rate women viewed porn more than once a month. Specifically:

  • 14% of White women
  • 12% of Hispanic women
  • 7% of Black women
  • 22% of non-Christian women
  • 10% of Christian woman

However, there is a problem among married women.

  • 19% of married women view porn more than once a month
  • compared to only 10% of non-married women.

Where do you fit in this study?

Maybe you only view pornography a few times a year or even less. Before you think you don’t have a problem, let me tell you that was the rate of my porn use. It still caused me great pain. I never could quit until I started admitting I had a problem and got help. Please do the same. The freedom and restoration of your sexuality is worth the work. Call me at 972-342-0753 or email me. I can help.

As a parent, teacher, or youth worker, what are you doing about this problem among our young adults?

Just this month, I have had three churches and one school pull back from having my pornography presentation because of resistance from their parents about addressing this topic. Their fear is that if we talk about it, the students will become more curious and therefore more likely to try it. There is not a single study that shows addressing sexual issues with young people increases their likelihood to engage in that activity. Call me at 972-342-0753 or email me or submit our online scheduling form. Let’s protect our youth.

2014 ProvenMen.org Pornography Addiction Survey (conducted by Barna Group). The survey results are located at www.provenmen.org/2014pornsurvey/pornography-use-and-addiction.