Tag Archives: Recovery

Movie Review: Beautifully Broken

By Eric Tooley

Angela and I were invited to preview the movie Beautifully Broken which opens in theaters this weekend. It describes itself as

“A refugee’s escape, a prisoner’s promise, and a daughter’s painful secret converge in this inspiring true story of hope. As three fathers fight to save their families, their lives become intertwined in an unlikely journey across the globe, where they learn the healing power of forgiveness and reconciliation.”

The movie includes appearances by TobyMac and Michael W. Smith and the music of CeCe Winans, John Berry, and Plumb. You’ll recognize Benjamin Onyango in a lead role from the God’s Not Dead movies.

This movie is an amazing true story that shows how

“God  works for good with those who love him” (Romans 8:28)

even in the midst of genocide, rape, and being a refugee.

This movie is rated PG-13 for mature thematic content involving violence and disturbing images, and some drug material. This is not your typical feel-good Christian movie. It is a tough movie that shows the darkness in our world and is not for children under 13 or for teens sensitive to these hard topics.

For those who can handle it, the movie shows how God is involved in even the worse of human activities. Themes of forgiveness and reconciliation ring true. We recommend the movie Beautifully Broken for teens and adults and hope you will talk about it many times afterward.

Pornography on the Evening News

By Eric Tooley

A surveillance camera caught a law enforcement officer having sex while on duty. There are obvious moral and legal issues but that’s not the focus of my commentary.

I learned about this case through a friend’s post on Facebook. I then found it on local and national news websites. The national news described the act in vivid detail and had links to still pictures from the surveillance video. While no nudity is revealed, there is still no question to the activity of the two people in the photograph.

Each local news broadcast showed the pictures. One broadcast had a warning to parents and said they purposefully waited until the late news to show the pictures.

Yet this one minute, fifty-two second television news story showed the pictures six times (four at full screen) for over fifty percent of the segment.

If that wasn’t enough, the reporter printed the pictures and took them to various people in town to get their reaction for the story.

My personal battle against viewing pornography led me years ago to quit watching local or national television news. As I watched these news segments, I realized I was reacting as I would when I would start viewing pornography.

I turned away but who knows

  • How many porn addicts were led to a relapse?
  • How many young boys thus got their first exposure to pornography?
  • How many young girls are learning what sex is through this story?

This is just the latest reason among many that our personal disciplines of “bouncing our eyes” and “capturing our thoughts” must be constant and always active.

Let me encourage you that the more you exercise these disciplines the stronger they become. My “battle” during this news story was an easy victory after years of strengthening these disciplines. However, I can never rest because the battle still came in a way I least expected it.

(Specific citations withheld due to the explicit nature of the articles.)

Four-Step Crisis Plan

By Angela Tooley

High Side! This is an emergency command from a white-water rafting guide. It means for everyone in the raft to move to the high side of the raft to keep from capsizing.

Years ago, I went on my first (and only) white water rafting trip. Before the adventure began the river guides gave our group a lively talk about the safety rules we needed to know. While the talk was kept lighthearted, I could tell that I needed to pay attention and remember what I was being told. We were instructed about a number of scenarios including which way to swim if we got thrown out of the raft, or the worst-case scenario of what to do if we found ourselves stuck underneath the raft.

The adventure began, and we were having an exciting time progressing through the rapids. Suddenly our guide yelled “High Side!”. The problem was that I was on the opposite side of the boat and had to navigate over a cooler. Sure enough, I did not make it and quickly found myself in the water.

Under the raft.

I panicked for a few seconds as I watched my air bubbles going out. Then I remembered exactly what I had been instructed to do – walk my hands on the bottom of the boat until I got to the edge. By that time my boat mates were looking for me and were able to pull me up. Talk about an adrenaline rush!

That rafting trip taught me a lot about staying calm in a crisis and it has served me well since.

Life can bring crisis suddenly – the loss of loved ones, loss of jobs, illness, and hurts in relationships – like when I found out about pornography in my marriage.

Be ready to act in a crisis.

Here’s my plan:

  1. Follow instructions – Listen to God through Bible reading and prayer.
  2. Stay calm – By remembering the hope of God’s truth.
  3. Trusting others – I cannot rescue myself. Find godly guidance and mentoring.
  4. Look ahead for threats – Move away from danger.

That’s living on the high side!

The Importance of Partying

By Eric Tooley

Do you party enough?

I remember playing football in the 4th grade. Believe it or not, I was the quarterback. In the fourth quarter of a game, I scored two touchdowns and brought our team from behind to win the game. My parents were not at the game. There was no celebration.

I remember bringing home straight A’s on my report card. Not only was there no party, I actually got in trouble because I only got an A in math instead of my usual A+.

I remember a freshman high school football game when I intercepted a screen pass and scored the winning touchdown. My parents weren’t at that game either. That night I went to my girlfriend’s house and ended up having sex for the first time.

If we don’t party right, we’ll likely party wrong.

Acting out sexually became my reward for an achievement or making it through a stressful or difficult time. This is an issue that I address with my clients who struggle with pornography: the importance of celebration or reward. Otherwise the following justifications hit hard:

  • “I’ve done so well, I earned this.”
  • “Nobody else will congratulate me, I deserve this!”
  • “I can relax now.”

God places an importance on partying.

Luke 15:5-6: “When he finds it, he joyfully … calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’”

Luke 15: 9: “When she finds it, she calls her friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost coin.’”

Luke 15:23-24: “Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”

Do you place an importance on partying?

Good grades, raises, touchdowns, promotions, concerts, new jobs, plays, and many other occasions are causes for celebration. Be sure to do it. If we don’t, we may be driven to “celebrate” in pornography, sexually acting out, or other unhealthy behaviors.

Partying is a Noble Choice. Call your friends and neighbors together and say, ‘Rejoice with me!

5 Ways To Check Your Blind Spot

By Angela Tooley

Most of us think of ourselves as good drivers, usually all the time. But I feel confident that we all have had a bad experience with blind spots – that seemingly small space in between our line of vision and what we see in the rearview mirror. In Driver’s Ed we were taught to turn and look to check the blind spot. Sometimes we can get a little lazy about checking that spot or we allow distractions to keep us from turning to check.

That gets us in trouble when we veer into occupied space. And it’s particularly upsetting when someone else ventures into the space we occupy! Nothing good happens – we will collide, or we will wildly swerve hoping to avoid the collision and possibly hit something else.  At the very least we all get upset.

Think about your own blind spots (and yes, we all have them). If you don’t think that you have a blind spot well that is called denial. 😊

Denial allows us to be distracted from paying attention to our bad habits and addictions, to those things we need to work to get rid of in our lives. Pride, perfectionism, low self-esteem, shame, and gossip are just a few examples of those habits.

Denial also gives addictions a place to live. Addictions like pornography, alcohol and chemical addiction won’t begin to go way until the denial blind spot gets checked.

Here are five ways that we can take the action needed to look at our own blind spots:

  • Accountability partners – “Walk with the wise and become wise” Proverbs 13:20
  • Encouragement from Godly friends – “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17
  • Be patient – “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart” Psalm 27:14
  • Live in truth – “Teach me your way, O LORD, that I may walk in your truth” Psalm 86:11
  • Trust God – “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5

With God’s help and others, our new ways to look at our blind spots will become a healthy habit!

 

Pornography Recovery Success

By Eric Tooley

Today, February 28, 2018, is my four-year anniversary of sobriety from pornography!

I will celebrate tonight in our Celebrate Recovery program and pick up this coin. I thank God for this freedom.

As I reflect on the longest sobriety I have achieved in 43 years, Luke 11:34 comes to mind:

Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eyes are healthy, your whole body also is full of light. But when they are unhealthy, your body also is full of darkness.

Jesus tells us that to become light we need our eyes to be healthy. In my battle with pornography, here are nine ways I make my eyes healthy:

  1. I look away from sexual images.
  2. I avoid movies with sexual content. This has eliminated R-rated and many PG-13 movies.
  3. I opted-out of the Sports Illustrated swim suit issue. ESPN: The Magazine does not make that offer for its body issue so I cancelled that subscription.
  4. I avoid television shows with sexual content. I pretty much only watch baseball, football, and some older comedy shows.
  5. I avoid watching the news. There is usually at least one story that is sexual in nature. This was a huge trigger for me to go to the internet to research a story and then end up looking at porn.
  6. When staying in a hotel, I rarely turn on the TV.
  7. Even though we do not have children at home, we set the TV parental controls to TV-PG.
  8. We have programmed our TV channel listings not to display any adult listings.
  9. I “unfollow” friends on Facebook that post anything of a sexual nature.

My addiction ritual was to be triggered and then go to the internet for pornography. Once I eliminated my triggers, pornography is not an issue for me. We are all different and have our own triggers. In my Images or Glory? program, I talk about bouncing your eyes to avoid pornography.

Be full of light. Keep your eyes healthy. Bounce your eyes.

Six Things To NEVER Do If Your Child Looks At Porn

If you discover your child is looking at pornography:

  1. DO NOT PANIC

This moment is not about you. Put your feelings (i.e. fear, anger, disappointment, etc.) aside and focus on your child. Show your child that you love, support, understand, and want to help. Unfortunately, porn is common among teens. One study found that 93% of boys and 62% of girls were exposed to pornography before age 18. (1)

  1. DO NOT IGNORE

As an adult, I learned that my parent’s knew I was looking at their pornography. They never mentioned it to me because “boys will be boys.” Oh how I wish they had helped me. I suffered under this addiction for thirty-five years!

  1. DO NOT ASK FOR (OR EXPECT) A CONFESSION

Only 22% of adults confessed when confronted by their spouse even with evidence. (2) Do you think your child or teenager is more likely to confess than these adults?

Instead of asking “Did you …?”, say “I discovered …” in a matter of fact tone. Remember we set aside feelings of fear, anger, and disappointment?

  1. DO NOT INTERROGATE

Avoid asking “why”. Use concrete questions: When did this start? How often have you looked at porn in the last month? How do you access the pornography? What can I do to help you stop?

Then Listen. Validate their feelings even if positive. “I could see how that would be exciting for you.” Validation just means you understand not necessarily agree.

  1. DO NOT MAINTAIN THE STATUS QUO

Your child’s promise to never do it again is not enough. Believe their sincerity but don’t believe in their self-control. Do whatever you can to block your child’s access to porn. You don’t let the alcoholic keep going to the bar.

  1. DO NOT GO IT ALONE

Remember that fear, anger and disappointment you set aside? You need someone to express your feelings. Your child likely needs the same support. Call us (972-342-0753 or 214-415-4555) or email us here at Noble Choices. This is our specialty. We want to help.

(1) Chlara, S., Wolak, J., & Finkelhor, D. (2008). The nature and dynamics of Internet pornography exposure for youth. CyberPsychology and Behavior, 691-693.

(2) Steffens, B., & Means, M. (2010). Your Sexually Addicted Spouse. Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press.

Eight Reasons Sexual Harassment is not Reported

By Angela Tooley

I’ve always loved Rosie the Riveter. Rosie represents the empowerment of women in the World War II work force. She is tough and ready to meet the challenge of that time.

Today females are being challenged to find empowerment in another arena – defending themselves from sexual harassment. Harassing behavior exists from bullying to physical violation. Decades ago numerous costly lawsuits changed the workplace and gave young women like myself a voice to speak against such harassment.

I wonder what has changed?

Why does it seem like that females are defenseless against this dehumanizing attack?

  1. Pornography normalizes this behavior by the perpetrator.
  2. Pornography normalizes the acceptance and the conformity of the victims.
  3. Women feel they have to put up with this to advance their careers due to the glass ceiling of unequal pay and/or opportunities as men.
  4. Women want to avoid embarrassment.
  5. Women do not want to jeopardize their reputation.
  6. Women don’t think anyone will believe them.
  7. Women don’t believe it will do any good.
  8. Women, especially young ladies who have grown up with pornography may not have ever realized that they can so no to unwanted advances.

Those who have already come forward have been truly brave. Those who still need to come forward will need support.

For anyone reading this who has been a victim, and for anyone who feels like it is too late to be helped; we pray for you every day. There is help and hope, and we would love to share that with you.

For anyone who has been the perpetrator, there is help and hope for you, too.

The daily revelations of inappropriate sexual behavior have been stunning: entertainers, executives, politicians, journalists, teachers, and clergy. Sadly, I expect the revelations to continue and to eventually hit too close to our homes.

How will you respond?

Men and women, we are all empowered to say NO and to end any acceptance of these kinds of inappropriate behaviors.

Noble Choices stands with you as we:

  • educate about today’s pornography culture
  • empower youth to do the right thing
  • foster safe environments
  • provide recovery resources

This is for all of us.

We can do it!

Pain

By Angela Tooley

Pain – it’s an inescapable part of life, yet we do everything we can to escape it or numb it. There is physical pain in our bodies – temporary or chronic. Then there is pain from our own choices and pain that comes from the choices of others.

The current opioid crisis demonstrates how far we have come in our culture in our inability to deal with pain. This crisis born of misguided notions of pain management with highly addictive forms of synthetic heroin

kills 91 people per day.

Please don’t misunderstand, I’m not unsympathetic to being in pain. I’m not unsympathetic to those who are addicted. I would like us to understand that there is something to be gained from pain. We must be willing to pay attention whether that pain is physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual.

CS Lewis called pain “God’s megaphone.” Pain gets our attention so that we may know God is present. We see this in Job’s suffering, “My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.” Job 42:5

Priscilla Shirer describes pain as a mysterious blessing, “it compels us to more accurately assess the wisdom or foolishness of our choices. Pain is ironically the key to being spared even worse discomfort.”

The reality of pain is that it should be confronted. The good news is that we do not have to do this alone. Our pain was never meant to be ours alone. Whether our pain is physical, mental, emotional or spiritual we have help through Christ and through each other.

This is part of our mission at Noble Choices – to come alongside others who need recovery (and we all need it). We lead Celebrate Recovery in Richardson, TX and recommend it if you live in other areas. We offer life coaching and counseling to those struggling with sexual sin in their life or the life of a loved one.

We have had to face our own pain and by God’s grace we are here to help and offer hope. There is always hope!

“we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope”  —  Romans 5:3,4

 Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). (2017, August 30). Understanding the Epidemic. Retrieved from Opioid Overdose: https://www.cdc.gov/drugoverdose/epidemic/index.html

Lewis, C. (1940). The Problem of Pain. United Kingdom: The Centenary Press.

Shirer, P. (2017). Awaken. Nashville: B & H Publishing Group.

Study on Porn Use

A recent study shows that porn use is worse than we thought. And we thought it was pretty bad.

The Barna Group surveyed a representative sample of U.S. adults.

Men age 18 to 30 who viewed pornography more than once a month was 75%!

It wasn’t much better for men age 31 to 49 which was 59%.

Viewing porn more than monthly was relatively the same across all income levels and education levels and specifically was:

  • 69% of Hispanic men
  • 64% of Black men
  • 49% of White men
  • 56% of non-Christian men
  • 52% of Christian men
  • 62% of non-married men
  • 40% of married men

Roughly 1 out of every 5 men either said they were addicted to pornography or were unsure.

Particularly alarming was the rate of women using pornography.

While less than 10% of women over 30 view pornography more than once a month, for women 18 to 30 it was 34%!

Income and education levels also had little differences among the rate women viewed porn more than once a month. Specifically:

  • 14% of White women
  • 12% of Hispanic women
  • 7% of Black women
  • 22% of non-Christian women
  • 10% of Christian woman

However, there is a problem among married women.

  • 19% of married women view porn more than once a month
  • compared to only 10% of non-married women.

Where do you fit in this study?

Maybe you only view pornography a few times a year or even less. Before you think you don’t have a problem, let me tell you that was the rate of my porn use. It still caused me great pain. I never could quit until I started admitting I had a problem and got help. Please do the same. The freedom and restoration of your sexuality is worth the work. Call me at 972-342-0753 or email me. I can help.

As a parent, teacher, or youth worker, what are you doing about this problem among our young adults?

Just this month, I have had three churches and one school pull back from having my pornography presentation because of resistance from their parents about addressing this topic. Their fear is that if we talk about it, the students will become more curious and therefore more likely to try it. There is not a single study that shows addressing sexual issues with young people increases their likelihood to engage in that activity. Call me at 972-342-0753 or email me or submit our online scheduling form. Let’s protect our youth.

2014 ProvenMen.org Pornography Addiction Survey (conducted by Barna Group). The survey results are located at www.provenmen.org/2014pornsurvey/pornography-use-and-addiction.