Tag Archives: Parenting

Parental Romance is Crucial

Sexual Health, ,

Couple dinnerIndulge me for a moment in a thought exercise.

Suppose you are a teenager growing up today. Like most parents, your parents have not talked to you very much about sex. They just said you need to save sex for marriage.

You now have your first serious boyfriend or girlfriend, and you are feeling the urge to have sex. It is time to make up your mind.

Television, movies, music, magazines, and even your friends push the idea have sex now. Your parents seem to be the only ones saying to save sex.

Does your culture make the idea of sex now look good? YES! Be like everyone else, be happy, enjoy life, consequences are rare. It is thrilling and exciting.

Now how do your parents make the idea look of keeping sex in marriage? Well, they had sex once, maybe more if you have siblings. Do you see any thrill, excitement, happiness, or enjoyment in their romantic relationship? No.

So which would you choose?

Do you model romance for your kids? Do you make sure they see their parents in an exciting romantic relationship? You should. I’m not talking about having sex in their presence. I’m talking romance.

Bill Maier shared a great idea on Focus on the Family. Tell your kids you want to surprise your spouse with a romantic dinner in the dining room. Let them choose the center pieces, set the table, make decorations. Perhaps they can even help prepare the meal. Maybe they just clean their rooms or clean the dining room or living room.

Set up a table for the kids in another room while you and your spouse have a candle-lit dinner alone. Your children get to see up close and personal the thrill, excitement, happiness, and enjoyment of a romantic marriage. And … you might just enjoy it yourself.

Maier, B. (2013, March 21). Dining Room Romance. Family Minute With Dr. Bill Maier. Focus on the Family Podcast. Retrieved from http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/FamilyMinuteBillMaier/~3/zuso4PvosYw/fmdb_20130321.mp3

Ten Easy Ways To Protect Your Child Online

Online Safety, , ,

Children computerCan you think of a time during your childhood or teen years when you were picked on, put-down, or even shamed by other children or teens? It felt like you were “the only one” or that “everyone” was against you.

Most of us can remember these experiences vividly because of the emotional turmoil involved. Our young people today have these experiences also with one important difference: the Internet.

Those against them or at least aware of their shame could actually be everyone.

We have to do more to protect our children. Here are ten things I have gathered from several sources.

  1. Teach that all rules for interacting with people in person also apply online and in texting.
  2. Limit online privileges age appropriately. Don’t give too much access too soon.
  3. Be present in their online world. Text, Facebook friend, go to their pages, etc.
  4. Model appropriate online behavior.
  5. Teach how context can dramatically change meaning and online context is often unclear. Consider the difference in “Fire!” yelled by a firefighter or a soldier in battle or a toddler by a fireplace.
  6. Use filtering and accountability software. It’s like the fence that surrounds the playground.
  7. Establish a contract or covenant. List expectations and consequences. Sign it and post it.
  8. Teach the three R’s of responding to cyber bullying: reject (tell them to stop), record (keep all evidence), report (keeping telling adults until one helps you).
  9. Teach the Golden Rule still applies even when online.
  10. Pray. After each online session ask your child to choose someone online to pray for with you.

(Hinduja, S., & Patchin, J. (2009, July 30). Preventing Cyberbullying: Top Ten Tips for Parents. Retrieved from Cyberbullying Research Center: http://www.cyberbullying.us/Top_Ten_Tips_Parents_Cyberbullying_Response.pdf)

(Mueller, W. (2012). A Parents’ Guide To Cyberbullying. Retrieved from CPYU’s Digital Kids Initiative: http://www.digitalkidsinitiative.com/files/2012/01/Cyberbully_handout.pdf)

(Tooley, E. (2013, March 8). In the world but not of the world: Social media and the struggle to keep our children safe and pure. National Christian School Association Annual Conference. Oklahoma City, OK: Speaker’s PowerPoint.)

Television is Life

Online Safety, , , ,

Young Girl Watching TelevisionIt seems like every parent program I have ever done I have taught that it is not good to allow a television or a computer in your child’s bedroom.

 Once at a public middle school, I was making this point and a parent interrupted me and yelled out that was so unrealistic. She said,

“Parents can’t take everything away. We love our kids. We want them to have a life!”  

When I didn’t back off from my point, she walked out and left the program.

 Is television “everything,” “love,” and even “life?” Sometimes I wonder if that accurately describes our culture’s value of television and media.

 Let me add one more warning about our children’s use of media.

 A recent study looked at children’s television, video-game, and computer usage to determine if it had an impact on their sleep. The content of the media was evaluated for violence, scariness, and pacing (fast or slow plot). Among the study’s findings were the following:

  • Children with a bedroom television consumed more media and were more likely to have a sleep problem.
  • No sleep problems were observed with nonviolent daytime media use.
  • Sleep problems increased 40% with violent media content.
  • Sleep problems increased almost twice as much as violent content, 74%, with each additional hour of evening media use.

Parents, please,

  1. Remove the television from your child/teen’s bedroom.
  2. Remove the computer from your child/teen’s bedroom.
  3. Cell phones should be given to parents every night an hour before bedtime.
  4. Avoid all video game, cell phone, television, and computer usage in the hour before bedtime.
(“Media Use and Child Sleep: The Impact of Content, Timing, and Environment.” Garrison, et al. Pediatrics 2011; peds.2010-3304)

5 Dangerous Apps For Teens

Online Safety, , ,

Mardi Gras MaskIn my program on social media, “Not of the World,” I put on a Mardi Gras mask.

I proceed to talk to my audience as if they don’t know who I am. If I were to use bad language or hit someone or steal something from someone in the audience, I would get away with it because no one would know who did it. If no one knows it is me, I don’t have to worry about any consequences to my behavior.

This is absurd because even though I wear a mask, everyone knows it is me.

Teenagers are especially attracted to privacy, independence, and not being supervised. That makes them especially vulnerable to the risks of phony privacy. The “responsibility” and “consequences” part of the brain isn’t fully developed until the mid-twenties. I am sure you have heard a teenager say, “It won’t happen to me.”

Adding phony privacy to a teenage brain is like throwing gas on firewood; all you need is a match for a huge fire.

The match is some of the most popular apps to teenagers.

It started with Snapchat that promises to erase any picture a short time after you send it to someone.

Burn Note makes that promise with texting.

Whisper and Secret-Speak Freely are places where you can post whatever you want anonymously: vent, confess, share intimate fantasies or anything else as long as there are no identifiable names or information.

Omegle is a chat room for anonymous instant messaging with a stranger.

Watch for and deny access to these apps with your teenagers.

As I do in “Not of the World,” we have to constantly make the following loud and clear:

Social media, the internet, and texting
ARE NOT PRIVATE!

(McIlhaney, Jr., J. S., & Bush, F. M. (2008). Hooked. Chicago: Northfield Publishing.)
(Schryver, K. (2014, March 26). Trend Alert: 6 Messaging Apps That Let Teens Share (Iffy) Secrets. Retrieved from Common Sense Media Making Sense Blog: http://www.commonsensemedia.org/blog/trend-alert-6-messaging-apps-that-let-teens-share-iffy-secrets)

The Purpose of Sex

Bible, , , , ,
Happy coupleI had a conversation with a friend about redefining marriage to include homosexuals. Her reasoning was that we raise our kids saying, “I just want you to be happy.” If they are happy, let them be.
I replied that was not true.

Our kids are not happy cleaning their room, doing homework, or eating vegetables, yet we raise them to do those things anyway.

When our kids start dating, they are not happy when we keep them chaperoned, teach them to save sex for marriage, or set a curfew, yet we raise them to do those things anyway.

As they choose a mate, we are concerned for their welfare, safety, and security in addition to their happiness.

As I reflected on this conversation later, it hit me that the purpose of sex in our culture is “I just want to be happy.” When we are no longer happy, we divorce or go to someone else, turn to pornography or homosexuality.

Is the purpose of sex our own pleasure or happiness?

1 Corinthians 13:5 says “Love … is not self-seeking.”

Ephesians 5:2 says “Walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us.”

A few verses later in Ephesians 5:25-31, we are told “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. … For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”

The Biblical purpose of sex is about giving ourselves up for our spouse. It is an attitude of “I just want you to be happy.”